Tree of Wisdom

So it was one of those ordinary days when I hadn't done anything out-of-the-ordinary. Just sitting on my behind, whiling away time, wondering if tomorrow will be any different. Since it was an exceptionally breezy day, I took a walk in the yard around my house. My niece joins me and soon we were this happy duo sitting on a stone, singing nursery rhymes and pointing out funny looking clouds. My mom and sister were trying to pick ripe guavas from the guava tree nearby.
Now since the day my hormones acted up, I knew that my being the tallest in the family is going to bring me absolutely no good in future. It didn't. It brought me a slouch. It brought me the embarrassment of being the only head sticking out above the others in family portraits. It gave me the rare privilege of being called up in case a "thotti"(a stick used to pick fruits and stuff from trees) was unavailable. So I had to put an end to my perfect evening setting and prance around the guava tree trying to reach the ones on the higher branches. Then, I don't know if it was my sister or my mom, whoever it is who has been secretly plotting a revenge scheme for the past few days (probably for finishing all the chocolate biscuits in the house. In my defense, that extra few inches of height always makes me a little extra bit hungry always), figured that if I could climb up a little, I'd have better reach to the riper guavas. Okay first of all, the last time I climbed a tree was some 20 million years ago. And secondly, I was wearing a skirt, which is definitely not tree-climbing friendly. And thirdly, the tree was infested with huge red ants. In any case, mom and sister persuaded me. And also because my niece was looking on in awe. So in an attempt to impress a 3 year old, I mount up the first branch.
It wasn't too bad. I soon had both my legs off the ground.
Good start.

The trick is to find the right branches to grab on to so as to pull yourself higher. A little shaky but progressing well. I put my feet up on a higher branch and slipped slight. That's when I yelled at the top of my voice "Oh my god, I'm going to die!"
My audience who up until then were shouting up directions burst into laughter. Not very encouraging when I'm engaging in a life-or-death activity here. Anyhow, I proceed higher and with an occasional ant in my mouth and branch poking my ear, I picked my first guava. I waited for an applause. I got none. 
Instead my mom hoisted up a stick and told me to pick one on the edgier branches. Seriously, did she think I was training to be a trapezes artist? More shakiness. I managed to pull down a few more guavas. After a couple of minutes of them shouting up simply un-do-able instructions and me shrieking that I was Definitely going to die now, we decided it was enough. Mom told me to slide down a branch like Tarzan does in that cartoon. I looked at it and well, it certainly did look pretty slide-y. Nope, no way, I'm not out of my mind. I'm not a 2D character. I tried to move slowly but steadily.

Suddenly I have no idea what happen. It was a blur of green and WHAM! I was on the ground floor sitting pillions on the lowest branch. My leg hurt like it was broken into a billion pieces. I bet it was. I let out a yelp. I was helped out of the branch. I am so never climbing bloody trees again in my life. I wanted to keep a straight face in front of my niece. I wasn't very successful. I howled and cried and made faces and cringed and soon lay in bed like an invalid. Okay so maybe the leg wasn't broken. Wasn't sprained even. I mean, I took such a great fall, it could have atleast sprained a little. All I had was a few measly scratches on my left ankle and a tiny cut on my foot. Blah.
But being the drama queen that I am, I moaned and groaned and cringed whenever someone even looked at it. The last time I got to put up such a moan-fest was in college when I hurt my finger with a razor while searching for a razor in my bag. It was a bit bloodier then. Cried buckets. My roommates came up with the biggest cloth band-aid possible. Called my folks at home and cried and exaggerated and all. And just like they did  today, they laughed at me then too. I live with a bunch of hyenas. And I remember holding it up and waving it at every random person who walked by me. A few were quite offended I think because it was my middle finger that I had hurt.

Anyhow, back to now. As I sat there looking at my injured foot, I kept thinking how on earth do little kids do it? Get hurt like this on a regular basis. Because it really did sting. How on earth did I  do it when I was younger? Maybe your pain hormones or whatever grows as your grow older. Oh well, it isn't every day you fall from a tree and hurt your foot. Not when your 26 atleast. So I hobbled all the way over to the computer balancing on my niece's shoulder (who was, by the way the only one who is treating me like the injured soul that I am) and blogged about it.  Even as I was falling the second thought (the first was of course that I'm going to die now.) was that this would make a great tweet/status message/blog post. That doesn't make me pathetic, does it? Well, a little I guess. My last words before death would probably be Somebody..please...take...a..picture...and...post it...on...FB..... :-/
My mom told me that this fall was probably God's way of telling me I'm too old for this shit now. He's probably sitting up there with His head in His hands going "How many times do we have to go through this?"
Um.. whoops?

How did the damn chicken do it???

This is it. Its now or never.
Sweat is dripping down my face. I clutch the end of my dupatta. Close my eyes and send a silent prayer upwards. I bite my lips. Worry lines form on my forehead. People are staring. I can tell. I can feel their eyes on me. They're laughing. I can hear it in my head. I look right. I look left. My leg inches forward. And then jerks backwards. I do this a coupla times. It feels like a stupid dance step now. I look at the man next to me give me a weird look and cross the goddamn road without a care in the world.
I mean how.. how do people do that? Cross that obstacle of death just like that like they're walking from their bedroom to the kitchen? I mean its an open trap. Its like running through fire. Like jumping put the window and hoping to land safely... I need help. I can't cross roads. :-(
I am gona have to sue my kindergarten teachers. They made it seem so simple. Just look right. Left. and Walk... uh like yeah right!! Its more like Look left..right.. then left right left right left right frantically till you feel you head spinning. Then venture onwards and then change your mind. Then step backwards then try again..and again and again and again. Maybe you'll make it on your 20th attempt.
And when this is whole road-crossing-step-dance is going on, I feel that the whole world is looking at me. Not just when I'm giving myself motivational you-can-do-this-have-faith-in-yourself talks. Just generally when I'm standing there looking stupid when the rest millions of people have already crossed. They're probably not looking cos they probably don't have That much time to waste.
 I think the joke should've gone "How did the chicken cross the road?" Because I sure as hell don't care why he did it.
The one thing that I totally respect the teachers for teaching us regarding road crossing is to hold someones hands.. I mean my dad still grabs my hand when we're crossing roads. I totally give him the "oh pfft please,dad.. Do I look 5 to you?" expression and snorts, but still subtly tighten my grip at the same time.
             But I totally detest guys or people who go "Hmm, why do all girls make such a huge deal bout crossing roads?" Ok that statement was totaaally uncalled for.. by many of you. Just cos I'm a road-crossing-dummy does not mean that you can generalize. You've already tagged the "bad driver" tag on women (which btw is sooo not true either. My driving is getting great each passing day. And I've only crashed once! No biggie!)
                 You know what I looove though. Bridges. I think they should put em everywhere.. Or have like a lil button which when pressed has like a tiny yellow bridge( I dunno why yellow) unfold from underground and assemble automatically whenever needed.. Ooorr.. Those walk, don't walk lil red and green men would be fine too.. Easier since its already been invented. I'm not too sure bout how I feel bout the zebra crossing thingies. I mean I like the fact that if someone hits you when you are at a zebra, you get lotta money n all.. Dunno if its worth it..Hmm..
I've had a coupla experiences while crossing roads. Especially in those roads that are actually not roads but a football ground parading around as a road. I mean those things where 500 roads meet. How, on earth does one cross that thing? I'd probably close my eyes and run screaming at the top of my voice, all the way to the other end. I admire how people talk on the phone while crossing the road. I mean talk bout multi-tasking. I can't even walk and drink water at the same time. Let alone defy death and enquire about..whatever I'm enquiring bout on the phone, at the same time.
Its amazing how dogs do it. In my life-time I've never seen even one dog get hit by a vehicle when crossing roads. I'm sure they do. But most of the time they make such narrow escapes. Its like they're trained. They should have like a Road-Crossing class as a secondary subject in Driving schools. Where you learn in not so busy roads and then graduate to medium busy and then finally to something like a highway or something, which is where I think I'm gonna die someday.
While I think of a way to put that idea across to my driving school officials, you take care of yourself when you're crossing the roads. Its actually no laughing matter. Pedestrian fatalities have increased by 20 percent, from 105 in 2005 to 126 in 2006. Well, thats in Ontario, Canada. I googled and this is all I could find in short notice. But you get the message. Be sure to look right.. and left.. and right left right left right left right left right... You'll get used to the dizziness after some time.

When death comes calling..

I was listening to the radio the other day and there was this thing where the RJ asked ppl to call in and answer this question - "If, hypothetically today was your last day alive, what would you do?"

And soo many ppl called up with such lame answers..

One guy stated the obvious and talked bout the whole family n friends thing..which totally turned off the RJ who was lukin for more innovative answers..Which totally got me thinking...HMMMM..

If today was my last day alive, ok no wait, gimmi a month..if this was my lastest month, I would..

Well firstly, I would freak..N then i would call everyone and inform them and gain a lottttttta sympathy...and hopefully freebies.Yay!

I'd watch all the movies where the hero/ione dies in the end and memorize all the classy dialogues and use it myself.

I would print out all my blog posts and send it to a publishing house n publish my book. Well, I did have sumthin a lil different in mind for my first book, but then heck, I'm not gonna spend my last month writing! I dunt wanna go upto heaven n be known as the girl who knocked off while Writing..That would sooo put me in the geek category. Speaking of which, thats another thing I'd do. I'd plan my death. Like say I'm gona die on Monday 4pm, I'd just go ahead and kill myself on Monday 3.59pm...in my own style. As in, I don't wana die in a boring old way, like in my sleep or something. If I know bout my forecoming death, I mite as well plan it..like we do with weddings n stuff. N do it in such a way that I get into the papers! Like skateboard off a skyscraper..no that would actually require me to know how to skateboard...no time for that.. orrr put myself in the washing machine (atleast, I'd die clean) or have a famous person strangle me orr oooh I could watch movies like Final Destination or sumthing for ideas. They have some awesome techniques. Gruesome, but reeaally cool.

And I really would'nt want to die in anyone's house. I feel that then when I come back as a ghost, I'd be like restricted within those boundaries.. which would b a huggge bummer..cos I've got a lottttta after-death plans. :-) But lets not go there now..

I would most defnitely wana fly to NYC, where I've wanted to go since forever. I would wanna eat an entire cheesecake..not a Dhs.10 slice...the whole deal.. I would'nt wana get drunk. I d rather remember every last minute of my last month.

I'd get a tattoo, maybe a lil goodbye note to my friends and family... a belly ring, actually no, chuck those two...my death mite be painful, so I probably shud'nt have to endure any sorta pain before the big event. Mayb I'll get a stick-on tattoo..

During the last week, I would first find every girl/guy I've hated and tell them why, how and how much. They say you shud tell the people u luv how much u luv em, before u die. Well, I figured, atleast those ppl have sum idea bout that, unlike the haters, where most of em have absolutely no clue cos, well, i can do one hellova fake smile. So I say, before u die, let em know, release all the hate, u dunt wana go up there with hate in your heart.

I would then like to wear a wig with long red hair and run on the street/rain wearing mismatched clothes and slap random ppl. I have alwaaaaaaaaayzz wanted to do that. Also to perform on stage. That has been I think my dream since I was a lil kid. But I've never had the chance. And I suck at dancing. Which I discovered yeste. They have those dance classes shows on tv. So i was trying it out and its like I can't multitask when it comes to dancing. I can't make both the hands and legs move together. It such a strain on the brain. So much to remember. bloody hell.

I'd buy myself boots and a dog............ and pass it on to my niece n nephew after i go, so dunt get started on the whole u-cant-take-material-things-to-heaven stuff.

I would blog one last time, I'd do this a lil early so that I can read all the comments before I go. But u really don't have to wait for me to put up my last dying blog post to start commenting, u know.

I'd maybe even reveal deep dark secrets up here. No point taking em to my grave.. I'm already taking my boots...uh i mean...maybe I could give my niece something else? I really don't think she is a boot-person.

So thats its.. There are probably a few other bazillion things too.. ooh n u know wat, in an attempt to reduce air, water n land pollution, I would not want my body to be burnt, drownt or buried. I would want it to be put up in space. Like sorta just floating along with the meteors n stuff. N the astronaut people would have something to welcome them there..like a receptionist or sumthin..or an air-hostess..literally!ha!

So thats really it. So I'm gonna go wait for that ol' reaper guy to come callin.. Until then, live it,king size!