Types of Moms

Being a mom is no easy feat. I've always had people tell me "Oh, you're going to be an awesome mom someday."

Did I turn out awesome? Hmm, well maybe not exactly. I mean yes, there are days where I end the day with a feeling of triumph, fist pumping the air and going "Yeah, I killed it today!" And there are days when I want to crawl into a cupboard and just stay there and cry all day long while stuffing my face with chocolate biscuits. Motherhood is hardly a consistent affair. 

So I've listed a few types of mom avatars I have taken on a day-to-day basis.

Scene: It's almost bath time. Your little tyke can sense the danger and is bracing herself. Disaster is just around the corner. She is hovering around everywhere but anywhere within ten ten-foot radius of the bathroom. A gigantic tantrum seems like it's on the agenda to avoid the horrendous event.

1. Angry/ impatient/distraught mom

We've all had these days. When you get pushed and pushed and pushed so hard that you just lose it and want to punch a wall. I usually resort to going to the other room and punching the living daylights out of a pillow or my husband. This is also the type of mom I am on the days that I'm going through the wonderful phenomenon called PMS.

"Get into the bathroom. Get in here. GET IN! You get in here RIGHT now! Thats IT! I've had it. You do Not want make me angry. I'm going to count till 5 and if you're not in here by then... then THAT IS IT! "("That's it" usually means I just continue yelling and shouting some more)

The countdown technique doesn't really work with my daughter because she just recently discovered numbers so every time I do that she gets all excited and counts along with me. This angry stage can also be short-lived if she ends up doing something ridiculously adorable and I have to struggle to keep a straight face. But more often, it ends up in tears (mostly mine) and a heavy dose of guilt.

2. Sad/desperate/melodrama mom

This is another common one for me especially during the onset of PMS. PMS while parenting is just one of Nature's biggest controversies.

"Pleaaaase, baby pleeeease *sob* please for the love of God! Please stop torturing me and come to bath! Pleeeaseeeee! Why are you doing this me! What did I do to deserve this! Why God whyyyyy!!"

Chances are that the toddler involved will usually be lying with her feet in the air singing loudly completely oblivious to your pleading and melodrama. This stage also leads to offering bribes. But again that does not work because toddlers do not understand bribes, I've realized. They just lie on the floor and cry until you bribe them to stop crying. 

3. Goofy/funny mom

Okay, this is me on my good days. I bring out the tickle monster and chase her into the bathroom. Or let her bring literally every single kitchen utensil or household item into the bathroom with her (because bath toys are too mainstream). You could make up a silly bath song. And pretend the bucket is a bathtub.  And water fights obviously. This one time I got into the shower with her fully clothed. And we did a rain dance. She thought it was hilarious.

Disclaimer :goofy mom can and may turn into impatient mom if said child is not receptive of any of the goofiness.

4. Tricky/sneaky mom

This trick works only once in a while and is a bit mean. Just go stand in the bathroom and look at the floor or ceiling and stare in amazement. Make sure your child can see you. Then exclaim something like "OH MY GOD, did you see that elephant!" Or fairy or dinosaur. Or the entire cast of Friends. Or whatever your kid fancies. My kid usually comes running if I tell her there is an itsy-bitsy spider in the corner and there usually is so I'm technically not being a liar.

Sometimes you don't even need to lie. Just leave the bathroom door open with the lights on and leave the room. Chances are their mischievous minds will start churning and they ll be compelled to go and explore the bathroom on their own. You then sneak up behind them and trap them before they figure out what is happening. Kind of like catching flies, I just realized now.

 Also make sure you go to them without much delay. I once took a little too long and discovered my little monkey with one foot inside the toilet.

5. Don't give an f mom/cool mom/unhygienic mom
Smell hair. Seems okay. Whatever. Bathtime is overrated anyway. 

This is me on more days than I'd like to admit. 




Whichever kind of mom you are, just know that you are not alone. "We are all a hot mess, some just hide it better than the others."
Happy mom-ing!

Life After Marriage

I started writing this post ages ago. Never got around to finishing it. I figured I better post it now before my life changes all over again and this would seem irrelevant. 

It has been a year and a half since I got married. And I don't think the fact that I'm a wife has still settled in. Though there has been a few random changes in me. Few things that were new or weird to me. Here are the things that are different since I tied the knot.

FAT : For people who thought "This girl is so skinny, when'll she ever get some flesh on her bones", your wait is over. I am officially fat. I know slightly overweight people will look at me and scoff thinking "you call that fat?". But for a person who could still fit into her 6th grade tights at age 27, yes I am fat now. Forget bout 6th grade clothes, I don't even fit into the 100s of clothes I got just before the marriage. At first I thought my clothes were shrinking because of the water or something. Then in a picture, I noticed my upper arm is now the size of both my upper arms together. And I had to throw away 3 pairs of jeans because I couldn't put the button on. These are things I have never ever witnessed before. It was almost scary. All of my sisters' clothes used to be too loose for me. Now I don't even fit into their tiny-miny clothes. I've become a friggin giant! The saddest moment was when my collar bones were no longer visible. They were the favouritest part of my body. And now they've gone, without a warning. All the aunties who kept bugging me to put on more weight are now like "whoaaaa, don't put on any more, okay?" I thought I was the kinda person who'd never get fat. Apparently not. Thankfully, my husband has also joined me in this fat journey. So we don't look weird together.

PET : The only pets I've ever had up until then were dogs. That stayed outside. Who I pet and played and fed on some days. My dad took care of them all the other days. I was completely oblivious to their existence on most days. Until I got married to a crazy animal lover. The first thing he got was a tiny little frog. Which was cute. It hardly ever did anything. Feeding it was fun and I didn't have to do the cleaning. And then we got a tiny little turtle. Which was adorable too. It kept escaping from its container and we'd frantically search for it. We figured the frog and the turtle could be friends. All very cute until the turtle chewed the frog's leg off. After a tearful burial of the frog, we went and got a rabbit. A tiny lil adorable fur ball. Who would climb up our back while we were sleeping and curl up in my arms like a little

baby. Who shit like crazy and peed all over our until then clean room. Who died on the third day, before we could even name him. The rabbit dying was just too much for me to take. No more pets, I said. And then proceeded to get two more rabbits (both which died), another turtle (who died) and finally a snake. Yes, a snake. Wasn't my idea. Don't even ask. And no, I do not touch it. We now live with a cat. And people who know me knows that I'm not exactly a cat-lover. So I'd rather not comment on the cat. Or this whole blog post will end up being about it.

SILENCE : The place where I live now is very very quiet. My in-laws are quiet people and everyone does everything quite quietly. Back in my house, I usually wake up to the sound of a toddler singing at the top of her voice, another one crying out her lungs,the neighbor and his singing class, the mixie in the kitchen whirring, the maids chattering, the t.v blaring, the dog barking madly, my dad yelling at someone or the other and my mom laughing hysterically on the phone. We also have a radio in every room. There are days when I'm back home and I miss the silence. But on most days, the silence here is almost deafening. I find it especially hard to fart or burp loudly because I feel the sound echoes.Although sometimes I feel the silence is soothing.

LIVING WITH A BOY : I grew up in a house full of girls. Even if I go visiting my cousins, I have a total of 38 girl cousins and some 9 or 10 boy cousins. (It took me a while to calculate that) So life for me had been predominantly around girls. Most of my closest friends are also girls. So life with a boy, I figured was going to be really really new for me. Surprisingly though, the boys in this house are a lot like me. In fact, I feel I'm messier and slobbier than them. Boys are surprisingly neat. I'm the one who usually leaves the wet towel on the bed. And the leaving the toilet seat up doesn't really bother me because it makes sense to do that because there are more men in the house. But then again there has been so many instances where I've been surprised by something my husband or his brother does which has had me raising my eyebrows like "Really? You're allowed to do that?"
Boys don't seem to care much about a lotta stuff like girls do. Like they don't go out and buy a new pair of shoes and then find the need to show it everyone in the family and discuss all its wonderfulness. They're very particular about their stuff. If you move their things from the middle of the room into a more reasonable location, they get all mad about it. And its not like you mean to forget where you moved it. I discovered a lot about boys and their underwear habits. Which I'd rather not discuss here and get murdered by my husband.

FOOTBALL, CARS AND BOY MOVIES : I used to watch football even before I got married, but then that was because this game was so much easier to understand than cricket. And also, David Beckham. Now I'm proud to say, I know names of players who aren't David Beckham. I know most of the teams in English Premier League. I know what an English Premier League is. I have watched matches from the beginning to the end without siding with the team who had the cuter players. I have watched a match in a public place around other football enthusiasts and not felt completely out of place. I have also worn a football jersey on many occasions. (Though my husband is always scared I'll spill something on it) And I also somewhat kind of know what offside means too. Its when someone scores a goal and noone shouts and scream excitedly.

I didn't know much about cars at all. When someone once asked what my favorite car is, I googled the most expensive car or something and learnt the name Lamborgini. Now, I can identify some cars. And I get it right most of the time. And I found out that the year makes a difference in the model of the car. And now when I hear Ford, I don't always think of my dad's dear old Ford that he drove us around in for 14 years, I think Mustang. I think of Shelby or Cobra.
I used to be a hard-core fan of chick flicks. I change channels until I see a movie with nice bright lighting and and upbeat background music. My action movie knowledge is limited to Speed and Mission Impossible, maybe. In the past two years, I've watched more action movies to make up

for all the action movies I've missed out on my whole life. And I've found that I loved most of them. I was completely floored by Iron Man. He is absolutely the coolest superhero ever. Sometimes I bargain with my husband and make a deal for one boy movie if he watches one girl movie with me. But it doesn't faze him. He falls asleep sometimes but most of the time he holds his court pretty well. Once I made him watch Pirate Fairy, a Tinkerbell cartoon, as a joke because he made me watch a lot of boy movies in a row. And he got more interested in the cartoon than I did. I thought I'd just make him watch for a few minutes until he begs me to stop it. Instead he made me watch a good half hour and watched the rest of it on his own. My evil plan completely back fired.

LATE NIGHTS OUT : My dad wasn't exactly strict. But he wasn't exactly  the type who'd let us roam about outside after a decent hour. It wasn't really a big deal because I didn't really have anywhere to go either. But after marriage, when my husband suggested we go eat an ice cream at 2 in the morning, I was surprised and beyond excited. I've seen stuff like that in movies and I knew guys from my college who'd tell me about their midnight long drives and junk food rounds. Walking down that road in the silence of the night was one of the most romantic and exciting things ever. My husband was surprised and I'm not sure he understood what it meant to me. What I loved the most was that I felt safe.

So that's some of the changes I've gone through after marriage. There are so many many more, some mention-able and some not. But the fact is that I'm still changing. Everyday. I'm figuring things out as it comes, I'm making new discoveries. And I think that's what marriage is about. I'm not the person I was one and a half years ago. And I'm sure one and a half year from now, I'm going to be even more different. Life never seem to stay the same for too long nowadays. I'll see you guys at the next milestone. :)

Wedding Bells are Ringing...And Ringing...And Ringing..

Do you ever sit at home and think when you have absolutely nothing to do - "If only I had someplace to go or something to do?" And then like someone heard u say that, BAM!! Its Wedding Season.

        Weddings are great. I totally love weddings. I cry at most of em. Well, if not for happy couple, cos of the heat or cos of the sticky/pokey/itchy/un-breathably-dressy dressy clothes.
Or I'm smiling. At every random person who comes up to me and goes "Oh my god! How you've grown!" I mean I would've seen them just the day before at another wedding and I've grown since then? Really?
          But no seriously though. I love weddings. I love dressing up. I love seeing people all dressed up. And each wedding is like a whole different movie. Sure its nothing like in the movies. No nach-gaana n all. And you don't meet any Salman Khan types there(not that I like Salman Khan, I'm just refering to a wedding movie guy). But there is almost always this one guy who you play "aankon ki ishare" with at each wedding. As in one guy per wedding. Not the same guy. Thats it. No talking. No exchanging numbers. No complications. A smile maybe is as far as it would go. Thats the beauty of this relationship. You don't even know if you'll see them again. Most probably not. Its like a one-night stand..At the sweetest level.
And sometime when you go digging for info and you find that you've been eyeball-flirting with your far far far related cousin but still your cousin or worse your nephew, it just makes it a tad bit icky. So ignorance is bliss.
                 Althooooough.. sumtimes, it could be heart-breaking too... This one time I fell absolutely head over heels fell in love with this aMazing looking Rahul Gandhi types guy at a wedding only to realise that he's the groom. Blah. So yeah, sometimes finding out minor details like that does not hurt.
And its also no fun when you don't have the right sorta company at weddings. I was sitting around with this aunt of mine at one wedding when she went "Oh ooh look at the guy in the white shirt. Like him?"
I was taken aback for a bit then I'm like "Umm.. well no not really.. "
She: Oh.
Pause
Me: I liked this other guy I saw sumtime back. (I did'nt wanna disappoint her)
she: Who who who?
me: scanning crowd " Ohhh him near the door. White striped shirt."
she to other aunties : she liked that guy over there.
other aunties: that skinny guy? Hmm really..who is he?
me: Oh My GOD! (WTF!)
She: Do you know who he is?
me: Um.. no. Do you?
she: Nope! I'll go find out.
me: Wha.. wait..
And before I can say anything more, she's gone. Vroom... I can't stop laughing. This is so unreal. I'm all like I should've hung out with my aunties more often if they were gona be so considerate. I mean I have never had anyone try and find out stuff about a guy for me at weddings. Well not an aunt anyway. This is soooo awesome!
She comes back.
me: Well?

she: Finished his MBA, shudh jatakam (clean horoscope, i guess), thats his mom and dad..(pointing at people i do not even bother looking at)

and she launches into a conversation with mum and other aunties..
Thats it? His name? His number? Does he have a girlfriend?? Is he on Facebook? Hellooo..
So like I said.. the right company... very important.

           Okay, lets forget about guys now (Nooooooooooo not completely.. lets just tuck them into a smaller part of our brain)

I like to look at the couple on stage and figure out how their future is gonna be. I mean you can totally tell if you stare at them long enough. I cannot give you examples without offending anyone. So you try it yourself.
I don't like the fact that my hair sometimes gets mixed in the food. I've had a lotta unusual things hang off my hair. (And I'm not just talkin bout food)
I like the drum roll at weddings (a south-indian wedding speciality. I don't know if it happens at northie weddings. Actually I dunno what happens at a north-indian wedding. I've never been to one :-( I'm kinda hoping its like the wedding Priyanka and Shahid's wedding in Kaminey. That is like my secret dream wedding. It would be so incredibly awesome to get married like that. Dance dance dance Marry dance dance dance.) The drum roll when the big knot tying happens. It sorta replicates the heartbeat of the bride and groom at that point. And it always gives me goosebumps. Its so final. Like this is it. Knot tied. Chained for life. Its like that Shania Twain song - From this moment...um.. something something happens.. I don't remember wat. But the Moment. This is that moment. One thing I've noticed though. Most of the wedding, the groom just sorta places the chain around the bride's neck. He tries to work the clasp (hehe no not thaat clasp..please! Dirty-minded people) I meant the clasp thingy on the chain. And fails. So the groom's mum or sister does the actual tying. So technically, its the groom's mum or sis who marries the girl..hyuk hyuk! Oh crap, you know wat? When this same thing happens at my wedding, I'll probably snort and start giggling cos I'll think of this. See, this is why people like me should not be allowed to get married.
But to those who went ahead and did it.. I Applaud You.
 The biggest daredevils on earth are married. Thats why they're really and truely called daredevils.

The Mighty Giants

Ok this is a decades old story that got forgotten with time...

Long long ago, when the earth was a lot more simpler, there used to be these giants who lived in caves.They hardly ever came outta these caves. So like one fine day, the humans invented the railway system. And this..for sum reason or the other, pissed off the fire demons. So in protest, they set all the railway stations and trains on fire. The humans were devaasted. Cos this was like a massive fire..like the great London Fire. And..and to make it worse..this was during a drought. So like they could'nt put it out even if they wanted to. So this one lil genious guy came up with a plan. And so a whole bunch of the humans went up to the giants sleeping in the caves, and pleaded to them to help them. It took a lil persuading, but finally the giants agreed to help out. So out they came and rushed towards the stations. They took in the situation. And then the great heros unzipped their pants and peed all over the stations and trains, thus saving us our biggest mode of transportation. So this is why, everytime you are in a train or a station, u are enveloped with the nauseating smell of urine. The smell of their heroic deed decades ago. The end.

I thought this up in the train last week wen i was trying to stuff a hanky up my nose.

Just Laddat!

Ummm..i..m im gona begin writing this post.....as soon as...im dun with...ok i m done..as soon as im done with the last cookie...was on a cookie splurge rite then...u know those times when u eat one cookie and then u can't stop until u stuff the whole packet down your throat...aaahh..such a satisfying feeling..same goes with potato chips..even if ur not hungry..u just have to eat it..i think its like a universal feeling..

a lotta ppl have been reading my blog...and saying nice things bout it...thank u so much 4 dat...but the thing is ..now i can't write!I mean i can't write wat i want...I'm alwayz thinking bout wat shud i write that'll everybody'll like...blah i m goin mad thinking!!
The reason i have'nt posted anythin lately is cos i have nothing to say.Nothing substantial anyway.Or nothing I can write more than a sentence bout.So here r a few things I simply feel like saying...

- I wud rather b sleeping rite now.

- My valentine's day sucked btw.I spend d whole day in bed...no not in the romantic sense...this was the wats-d-point-nothings-gona-happen-this-yr-either-mite-as-well-sleep-all-day sense.
- 3 people said I look pretty tday.

- 2 of em were lying.bludy buggerz.

- I need to stop writing in points..in every post.

- I stapled my hand by accident wen i was 5 yrs old.

- I met a frog named Giordano the other day.We had an interesting conversation. He was quite a good listener I should say.

- the calenders of 1998 n 2009 are d same.

- I make horrible coffee.It alwayz ends up tasting a wee bit salty.Even If I'm nowhere around the salt bottle.

- Sometimes if u stay motionless for a really long time....nothing happens..u just get bored.
- I believe in friday 13th being a cursed day.can't tell u y.

- I've been on a pessimistic streak ever since...1985!

- I was attacked by a chicken when I was 13 yrs old.

- Feb 21st dunt mean anythin to me anymore..

- I worry a lot bout the consequences of the stuff dat I'm too lazy to do.

- I need a new best friend. Preferably a non-human one. No not an invisible one. Got enuff of those.

- I'm ADDICTED to these home shopping programmes!! Esp the dubbed ones! They're so damn hilarious!

- I forgot to brush my teeth on January 16th. Ok, I didn't forget. Just did'nt feel like it. Like my friend says, everythin needs a break...Even ur teeth.

- When ever it rains, most of the time, my first thought is - well thank god I'm not the one paying the water bills up there.

- I wrote n posted a letter tday n it felt GREAT.

- Is it post or posted?

- 2 ppl said dat they luv my blog.they gona change their mind after reading this post.

- IM BRAIN DEAD!