Raising a preteen is a very strange experience. I know I've written a little bit about what it is like being a mom of a toddler. And I am gearing up for the dreaded teenager years to hit. But man, this in-between phase.. the confusing, unpredictable, whiplash stage.. I honestly have no idea how to navigate through this phase.
The style identity crisis
She got accustomed to wearing bandanas a few years ago. And somewhere along the way, they pretty much got fused to her scalp. Possibly with mold growing underneath. I thought it was cute initially but now I would give anything to get her to stop wearing that mini pillowcase on her head every single breathing minute.
Sometimes when she's asleep, I push it slightly off her head, just wanting to caress her hair. She somehow senses it every time, wakes up immediately with a grunt. "What's your problem" her tone accusatory and yanks it over her again. It's a phase, it's a phase, I keep muttering under my breath, counting down days until this phase ends. It's been 3 years now, but no, I'm still choosing to believe that it's a phase.
As for the rest of her clothes, that's just a fresh new subject for us to get into screaming matches. It's always extremes with her. She will literally wear the same damn clothes 7 days of the week. And it's always the most faded, mankiest ones. I may have, on occasion, hidden certain items of clothing and prayed she’d forget they existed.
On the other hand, there are certain clothes that she begsssss me to buy, saying she will absolutely die if she doesn't have it.
There was this one particular green top that she tried on at the store. She loved it, but it was too expensive so we left without buying it. She pondered over it for hours later and then begged me to go back to the store, promised eternal devotion to the top, said she'd wear it every minute of every day. Finally, I gave in and went back and bought it declaring it an her early birthday gift.
We bought it and came home, she tried it on and immediately decided that she hates it. Because it isn't giving the right "vibes." Somewhere between the trial room and our house, the vibes packed up and left apparently.
And every time I suggest, "Why don't you wear that new top we bought?", she looks at me like I asked her to wear something that fell inside a septic tank.
Then there was this other top she bought when she was obsessed with Wednesday, wore it once and then swore never to wear it again because everyone at the mall "looked at her" when she wore it. Apparently, they didn't get the memo.
Let's not even talk about training bras, because I swear I will cry.
Music that I don't understand
She came home from school one day saying that she had something to show me. Oh, a test paper? Some new drawing? She handed me a notebook filled with rows and rows of… gibberish. “It’s every K-pop song I know. I listed 100. Are you proud of me?” she asks, looking at me smilingly. I'm was like... ...uhhh sure?
Okay, to be honest, I have made worse lists when I was a teen. I once catalougued every single on-screen boy that I found cute. Even the vaguest ones, like the third guy from the right in the background of some random music video, or that cute boy in a movie I caught 10 minutes of on TV five months ago. But of course, I never handed this list over to my parents, asking if they were proud of me.
She’s currently obsessed with a K-pop group, so I bought her every single piece of merch I could find on Amazon for her birthday. I even learnt the lyrics of one of their songs so that I could sing along with her (even though I somehome keep losing my "aura points" when I do). I'm pretty sure she’s getting bored with them. My walls are now covered with pictures of scantily clad K-pop icons, which makes the cleaning chechi and ammayimaar who visit look at me rather judgmentally.
No touch zone
One of my favourite parts of the day used to be holding her hand and walking to the bus stop every morning. But now, she yanks her hand away the minute I even touch it. Maybe it's a prestige issue, I figured. Maybe she doesn't like people seeing her mom holding her hand. But nope, even when we're just chilling in our room and I try to give her a hug. I thought getting a toddler to put on a onesie was the biggest struggle; getting a teenager to give you a hug is worse. No touching, no hugging.
When we place bets sometimes, my reward in case I win is usually a 30-second hug, which she times, of course. Night-time hugs were still routine until recently. I admit, I may have tried to spook her with scary stories a few times just so that she'll get scared and hug me. Sometimes it's almost like she's a cool guy that I have a crush on. Because once in a while she unknowingly holds my hand. And I have to try my best to keep my cool and not gush like, "Okay, be cool, be cool. Don't put pressure; she'll notice, be nonchalant."
That said, there are still occasions where she comes and hugs me and cries over a bad day or a fight with her friends. Not immediately. But it happens if you give it enough time. And I know how awful it sounds that when she'd be crying her heart out, clinging onto me, for a while I'll be trying so hard not to smile, going "Omg, it's happeningggggg, yayyyy" in my mind.
Raging hormones
I cannot for the life of me figure out what she is going to be offended by. Sometimes I find her trying different hairstyles, and say, " Aw, you look really nice", she will immmmediately grunt and take it all off. Don't even dare using the c word (cute), she will look at you like you used some other c word. I have to use all my restraint to stop myself from complimenting her.
But now that I've learnt to just nod dismissively when she asks me how she looks... she gets bugged by that too! Like, where is the line! How much is too much? Where is the frickin handbook!?
And sometimes she gets soooo dramatic about the smallest stuff. She's really really touchy about the subject of boys. I once showed her a dumb reel about a boy who was obsessed with saying 67 and said "Haha, look he's just like you, perfect for you." She stopped smiling and looked at me like I betrayed the entire nation. Her eyes filled up and she grunted at me angrily "How could you? What's wrong with you. Ugh, just don't, okay?" And I'm here just flabbergasted like what did I do?
Non-stop friends drama
I've waited forever for her to have her own group of friends. Her girl gang. And she finally did form one this year. But what I did not anticipate was the drama. One day everything is all hunky dory and they're on the phone all the time calling each other "bro" 6 million times, the next day she comes home, solemnly announcing that "It's over, it's the ultimate friendship break-up." Sometimes it's over something mean someone said, sometimes it's betrayal of trust and sometimes they just didn't play what the other person wanted to play... the reasons range. And I listen to it all.
Sometimes I get so heated up, and I want to be like "Screw this shit, Akshaya is just being a lil bitch..this is what you should do.. " but I don't, it's very hard for me not to but I keep my mouth shut. This is not my battle. But I do make up fake scenarios like "Oh this very same thing happened to me and this is what I did, but you can do what you want, it's cool. But, you know.. this is what I did. Just fyi."
And sometimes I don't even agree with her. As someone who struggled to make and keep friends growing up, the way she just casually disposes of them over the smallest things stresses me out. You're just going to stop talking to them? But but but what about all the history? The memories? The good stuff? But she's so nonchalant like "meh I'm over it." She is going to survive heartbreaks far better than I ever did.
Most of the days are tough but truthfully, watching her become her own person is equal parts terrifying and kinda awe-inspiring.
And we're only at the pre-teen phase. As someone who adored the toddler stage, who knew the rules then, coming to terms with living with this fascinating, sometimes hostile yet deeply lovable alien who used to be my baby... it's no easy task.
Sometimes I lie awake fretting over what is to come - teenhood, periods, boys, pimples, more drama. The other day, she said something very harsh and I couldn't take it. I cried over it at night (what, I can be hormonal too) and about the fact that I'm never going to get back that sweet little child I once had. I cried over how fast she had grown up and how I hadn't even gotten a chance to mentally prepare for this.. this new person who has taken the place of my sweet child who used to find my jokes funny. It was like grieving the little girl I once knew while trying my hardest to be loved by the new version. She's all grown up... and I'm not ready for it.
A few days later, she calls me from the other room. Urgently. As usual, I panic. Shit, it's periods. My heart starts to pain as usual. I find her standing near the sink, holding out her closed palm towards me. And inside it was a tooth. A baby tooth! Oh sweet lord, I had forgotten she hadn't lost all of her baby teeth yet. I took the tooth in my hand, smiling from ear to ear. Relief flooded over me. A baby tooth. She's still a little girl! She hasn't crossed over yet. I still have time! I held onto the tooth like a lifeline, being super dramatic while she looked me like I had completely lost my mind.
She no longer believes in the tooth fairy ever since she discovered my collection of her teeth that I had saved in a tic-tac dabba (what, it's a perfectly normal thing, ok). Yet, I asked her, "Do you want to leave it for the tooth fairy?" She rolled her eyes and groaned. Then a minute later, she stuck the tooth under her pillow, turned to me and said "So, I want the toothfairy to bring me 500 bucks, okay?"
I pretend not to hear that.
Still a baby. She's still a baby. Still a baby.
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