Greedy Pop

Growing up, I was what you'd classify as one among the "awkward" girls. I wasn't in the popular group. I wasn't in the bad girls group. I wasn't in the brainy kids group. I wasn't in the athletic kids group. I was just that - awkwardly stuck between the many many cliques. Even today when people from my school adds me on Facebook, especially if they belonged to any of the above groups, I'm so completely wonderstuck that they actually recognize and remember me. When all this while I thought I'd been invisible.

I wasn't a loner or anything. I did have my group of friends. Every year a different group. Mostly just kids who sit next to me. And their friends. When those kids get shuffled and put into different classes the next year, the walls between us causes us to drift apart. My sisters were part of these really big gang of girls. And they'd tell me the kind of fun they'd have. Though I'd never craved to be a part of a big group, I'd always wondered what it'd be like. And what I'd be like if I were in a big group like that.

I got my chance during one lunch break in 4rth or 5th grade. I was on my way back from canteen. And on my way I passed by one of the biggest gangs of my class. I think it consisted of ten girls or so. All beautiful, popular and/or brainy. One of them beckons me. I walk up to her and is immediately surrounded by the whole gang. She looks at the chicken sandwich (or atleast I think it was a chicken sandwich) in my hand. 

"You want to join our group?" she asked.

Just like that. Do I want to join? I looked at her like I didn't understand what she was saying.

"You want to join or what?" 

In the distance, I can see my two friends waiting. And I'm torn. My mind was whirring.
This is my break. My big opportunity to get into the big gang of popular girls. My folks would be so proud. (Yes, they actually would've been. My dad always wanted me to hang out with the bright and brainy kids so that I get influenced or whatever). My whole life could change with this one minute.What about my friends? Oh, I can still be friends with them and still be in this group. They'd understand!  I should just say yes. Yes, yes, YES!

"Yes", I said timidly.

"What? We can't hear you. Speak loudly."

"Yes!"

"Okay, good. So she is now part of our group now, okay?"

She takes a candy bar. Hobby, I think.

"Here, take this." she said holding it out.

I'm hesitant. 

"No, its okay. I don't want. Thanks"

"Arey, just take it, yaar. We're all friends now."

I'm still a bit reluctant, but I manage to reach out and take the chocolate.

And regretted it a second later. The minute the chocolate was in my hand, all the girls who had been standing around watching the whole exchange started chanting at the top of their voices.

"GREEDY POP, GREEDY POP, GREEDY POP, GREEDY POP"

Okay, Don't ask me what a greedy "pop" is. But I was terrified. And so damn humiliated. I let go of the chocolate and ran away as fast as I could. Not stopping to look back while they continued to chant and laugh at me. I don't remember where I ran to. I remember crying. I remember vowing to get revenge and all that. But I don't think anything happen. Everybody forgot about it and so did I. I never really thought much about it after that. Just a stupid little incident.

It was only after I had grown up, I realised that I had an aversion towards gangs. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have had small groups of friends too. But I've never gone up and tried to become part of an already established gang of friends again. I'd make friends with a person, but when I realise they're part of a group, I'd slowly move away from them, rather than be forced to join in. When introduced to a group of people, I get nervous and fidgety and anxious. And like I want to run away as far as I could as fast as I can. Which is stupid, because its not like they're going to suddenly start yelling greedy pop, greedy pop or anything.  I somehow expect them to pull the rug from underneath me at any moment.
I don't know what the point of this post was. I just suddenly remembered this incident couple of days ago. I had always dreamt of one day becoming rich and famous and driving to my old school in a huge fancy Porshe in front of all those girls and screaming Greedy Pop in their faces. But then here I am unemployed and old with a life that is going nowhere. And most of those girls have got amazing careers and are married with kids and, this is the worst part, have gotten incredibly hot over the years. Ugh. I wish my life was an American teen movie.
But then life goes on. I don't think I hold a grudge against them anymore. In one way or the other, they helped me become the person I am today. And while its not the best person imaginable, its not too bad either. I may not have the dream life that I dreamt of. But I am pretty happy what I've got. I married a fantastic guy, I have a few close good friends and an amazing family. And this blog that all you awesome-sauce people read! I wouldn't trade all that in for anything. Not even a shiny Porshe. :)

My New Year Resolutions for 2014

Every time a new year begins, I, like millions of other idiots in the world, sit and make up a list of so-called resolutions. I don't remember any of the resolutions I made the years before because I'm pretty sure they didn't make it past 5 days or so. But still, old habits die hard. So here I am again making up my brand new list of things I hope to do possibly for more than 5 days.

My Resolution List for the Year 2014

image courtesy : helloladies.com

1. Be Nicer to my Husband : This is one resolution I've never had to make in the past. Its not like I'm mean to my husband or I bully him around all the time. I am nice too at times :P But I'm always left with the feeling that I could be nicer. Since a whole year is over since over marriage, I feel like the initial niceties and the formalities are slipping away. Which is good, but along with it my manners. There is no harm in saying more 'pleases' and 'thank you's' is there? Or atleast thats what Enid Blyton taught me. To mind my P's and Q's. Oh and He always ends up getting up to turn off the light switch before bed because I'm such a lazy bum. I resolve to take turns doing that. (I know my husband is gona read this and I hope I get brownie points :P But then I also know that this paragraph is gonna come up everytime we fight. :-/ )

2. Drink More Water : I'm terrible at this and have such terrible skin due to this. I've been following this for the past couple of days. But I don't do it on the days I have to go out. Because it makes me want to pee a bazillion times a day. Which is how its supposed to be but I'm not used to peeing soooo much. But still, I hope I stick to this resolution, atleast for my skin's sake.

image : chuondis.blogspot.in

3. Sleep and Wake Up Early : Now for anyone who knows me, I'm a night person. And have been since I was a kid. My sister used to call me the Watchman. I'd stay up reading books under the blanket when I was small, which turned into staying up on the internet all night when I was a teenager, which turned to staying up talking on the phone all night in college, to staying up watching movies with my husband all night post marriage. And I hate morning. I hate it because I get my allergies in the morning. I hate it because its too cold in the mornings and thats when people should be under the blanket fast asleep. I hate how everyone gets up and makes a lot of noise. And also it reminds me of school. My mom used to wake me up atleast a 100 times, followed by which I'd go to bathroom and put the lid on the toilet down and curl up on top of it and snooze a little more. Then I'd sleep on the breakfast table and halfway through putting on my uniform. My dad and I used to have the biggest fights over this. He'd come strip off my blanket at first. I'd pull up the bedsheet n cuddle under that. Then he'd take away my bedsheet. Then I'd curl up into a ball and pull my tshirt over my whole body. Then on some extreme cases, he'd come pour a mug of water on me. God, I used to get soooo wild. In college, I'd miss the first hour of class on almost all days because I'd oversleep. In office, when I'm late I'd tell the manager, it's because I overslept. And he'd be like, "Are you kidding me? You're not even gona try and make up a lie?" I mean why? Its a genuine excuse. And also, I think it might be a condition.
Anyhow, ever since I started this resolution, I've been to bed at a decent hour and wake up at a pretty decent hour. And I'm proud of myself. Yes, there are nights when I'm tempted to let go and watch a movie instead or stay up whatsapping my husband. But somehow it feels nice now. I still don't like mornings much. I like breakfast though.

4. Keep Track of Accounts : I had started off last year by writing down our expenses. But it got so depressing to look at, that I stopped. But this year I will do it again. Write it down and look at it no matter how ugly it gets.

image : etsy.com

5. Not Buy Shoes : Maybe if I had kept track of the accounts I would've realised this earlier but last year, somehow or the other, I ended up buying 6 pairs or shoes. All of them are insanely cheap because I thrive on shoes that are less than 100 bucks. In college I had a pair of sandals that I got for 5 bucks. I didn't buy any expense shoes last year, except for this pair of heels for a job interview. Worst part is I can't even walk in them and I sort of hobbled across the room during the interview. I know I should've probably returned them, but god they're so pretty. I could just sit there looking at them for hours. Yes, I'm a shoe-o-phile. Shoes are my weakness. And bags. And to my credit I didn't buy a single bag last year. So i guess it makes up for the shoes. But then my resolution is firm. After the one pair of shoes that I will buy next week, I will not buy any more shoes this year. Or for the next six months. And then buy one as a reward for not buying any for 6 months. Yeah that sounds better.

6. Do More : I've whiled away a lot of time last year just sitting around worrying about stuff or just staring at the wall. I don't know if things will happen the way I want it to happen this year either but I'm not gonna sit around and wait. I want to do stuff. Paint, draw, cook, create, write.... anything. The circumstances might not always be correct. I want to try and not focus all my time on what I don't have and think of the stuff that I do have. This is something I really need to do. I know if I could start doing that I'd be happy and changed for life.

image: superstock.com

7. Go for More Walks :  Ever since I got married, I've walked more than I have in my whole life. Sometimes, its exhausting but its never dull. When I walk alone, I get conscious about myself, I scurry along fast, not making eye contact. But now, its kind of nice to hold hands, walk slowly, talk about random things, comment about passerbys. I find that things that some of the things I used to not like doing before, I like doing now because of the company. Like the walks. Or watching boy-movies. My absolute favourite walk is at the middle of the night, when we sneak out of the house to go have an ice cream. This is something I have never been allowed to do before. And it feels like we're doing something we're not allowed to. Which makes it all the more exciting.  This year I will walk more. Preferably in malls. While not buying shoes. :P

image: sharplikeballoon.blogspot.com

8. Cry Less : The past one year, its like my tear hormones just multiplied. Yes, I used to cry before too but there used to atleast be a reason. Now I just cry randomly. A whole bunch of movies made me cry. And I don't mean the silent tear trickling down my cheek. Like absolute bawling. My husband usually have to pause the movie and wait for me to finish. I watched Taken for the first time and spend the whole night crying. In spite of it being a happy ending! This year, I don't care I have to duct-tape my tear ducts. No more crying. Except when I'm PMSing that is. The universe wouldn't want me to mess with that.

9. Eat a fruit everyday : And fruit loops don't count.

image: randomdysfunctions.com

10. Not be Embarrassed to Fart/Burp in front of my Husband :  It is time. Yes, I have done it in the past and covered it up with coughs and what not. It's been a whole year. And its time to get real. And I promise not wince or hide a giggle and be more mature about it when my husband does the same.




11. Blog More Often : Last year I had one post. ONE. I have like 4 posts saved in drafts that I never published. Because somehow it didn't fit the theme of this blog. My writings were starting to seem like a way of venting rather than entertaining. My blog apparently brings happiness to a few people. And I didn't want to wreck that for them by making them listen to me whine. My other excuse is that I'm married. Isn't that the perfect excuse for everything? Why aren't you in touch with us now? Because I'm married. Why are you so fat now? Because I'm married. Why were you out so late? Because I'm married. Why are you wearing that? Because I'm married. I love this newfound excuse. I'm gonna use it when I get a job and I'm late for work.

12. Be more Tolerant : Its my only prayer for the year.  Tolerance. The word had such little importance in my past life. But now it means a whole lot. I wish this year I be more tolerant. To bullshit people say or do. To pain, be it mental and physical.  Of bad times. Mean words. I need to let go of bygones and let it stay gone. I want to look forward and only forward.

Those are my new year resolutions, or rather wishes for myself. I know some of them are silly. I know I probably will break a few before the end of the month. But as long as I have this out there, everytime I look back at this post, I'll remember. And I can start again then.
I do have a lot more boring resolutions like Get a job, learn a new design software, pick up my phone more often, take better care of my hair,etc. I will probably think up a whole bunch of other resolutions too throughout the year. Will keep you posted on them. In the meantime, what are your resolutions? Or don't you believe in resolutions? Let me know!

Here Comes The Bride!

So I finally went and did it. I went and got meself one of them husband things.

It’s been a while since I got married and I kept meaning to post about it but wasn’t sure how to write anymore, without hurting feelings and sentiments and opinions. But I felt a little bad not sharing it with you guys because I’ve written a lot about marriage and prospective grooms and stuff on this blog before.

My wedding day wasn't exactly the one that I had been picturing since I was a little girl. Well, thank god it wasn’t. I’m not sure if I’d still have wanted my groom to show up on a pink horse or a flying carpet or burst out of the ceiling…. Okay who am I kidding! That would have been awesome.

But seriously though, my wedding went by quite peacefully. I didn’t trip and fall on my face. I didn’t stick out my wrong hand for the ring. I didn’t start a giggling fit. Most of the day went by in a very hazy mode. You know how it feels when someone wakes you up too early to do something? And you know that once you finish it you can go back to sleep? So you don’t bother to fully wake up. And so you’re not sure if the things you’re doing you’re doing for real or if you’re dreaming. That’s what it felt like most of the time.

I kind of liked the dressing up part. Ok, I loved the dressing up part. Every time I freaked out before the wedding, my friends and sisters would be like “Think of all the shopping you get to do. Think of the wedding day as a free make-over day.” And it was just that. Like someone did a make-over on me. I didn’t look like me so it kind of felt like I was pretending to be someone else who does big grown up things like get married and stuff.

The place where I had to go dress up was crawling with brides. There were about 9 or 10 other girls over there who were getting married the same day. So the feeling that you’re the prettiest girl in the room on your wedding day wasn’t too strong at that point.

But I loved the attention. And one lady said I had nice hips. When I didn’t even think I had a visible one. Once they were done with me, I felt like I had to walk in slow-motion and had a here-comes-the-heroine background music running in my head all the time. I couldn’t move my head left or right or look up or down. But it was still awesome. I loved the ride home where passersby casually look in the car and then do a double-take. I had an urge to smile and do the royal wave at them all.

Once I was home, I hated not being able to run about freely because there were so many things I wanted to do but with the heavy saree and jewellery and fake hair and the flowers, I was literally tied down. Someone had to spoon-feed me some breakfast. After which, the photo session began. Or resumed actually. I’d had almost enough of the pre-wedding photoshoot the night before. It was fun at first, pretending to be a model and stuff. But then you think they’ll say, ok, that enough, that’s it. But they don’t. Two hours later you think, ok, this is gonna be the last click. But its not. And I knew I’d have to do the embarrassing poses. But one photographer wanted me to lie on the floor with my legs all twisted and turn in really bizarre ways. I am not sure what sort of photography he used to do before this. And the lights make you sweat. And the flash makes you blind. I have a whole new respect for models who does this day in and day out.

Before we left home, me and my sisters had a “Oh my god, look at you? Aaaaaaaaaaah!” moment as they squeezed my hands. I guess it was at that moment a tiny bit of tension arose. I pushed it aside. Naah, it’ll be okay. We’re just playing pretend wedding.

I loved how everyone approved of the way I looked that day. Noone complained that my hair was not right or I’m not wearing bangles or how my neck is too bony. They’d all come rushing towards me with a urgent expression – eyebrows knitted with anxiety and searching eyes. And once they saw me, their shoulders relaxed along with their eyebrows and a huge grin form on their face from side to side. Score from annoying aunties! Actually double score- they couldn’t complain about the way I dress or the fact that I still wasn’t married, anymore.

I got a little fidgety in the dressing room in the wedding hall. The groom hadn’t arrived yet. And I always had this huge huge nightmare where my groom doesn’t show up on my wedding day. I know, it’s probably because I watch too many silly movies. And also I look so nice, it would’ve been a shame if he didn’t come and see that.

Anyhow he did turn up soon and it was time to do the walk down the aisle. Two rows of girls with oil-lamps and would walk before me and I’d follow them at the end of the row. Okay, apparently during the walk, one of the girls accidentally set another girl’s hair on fire. And I didn’t even see it! When they told me later, I wanted to kick myself for not having seen. I always miss the fun stuff. I was in that haze thing I told you about earlier.

I’ve often wondered what the brides think about while walking down the aisle. The future that lay ahead? The enormity of the act they were about to perform? Their loved one waiting at the end of the aisle? All that was running through my head was “Please don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall, who put these stupid F**%$^g wires on the floor? Oh my god, don’t fall, don’t trip!” I had originally wanted to walk smiling at everyone and waving if possible. But I didn’t feel like smiling at anyone. Until I looked up at one point. And I saw the guy on stage who actually wants to marry me, happily unaware of how crazy his life is going to get. And I broke into a smile. It was a private personal moment. Except it wasn’t. Later when the wedding album came, that secret smile was plastered across a double spread. Oh well.

Once I was on stage, I wanted to talk to him and go all “Dude, how freaky is this!” And laugh about it. I barely even managed to look at him without feeling all awkward. I think he told me I look nice. Ha-ha, score for him.

Later the pujari guy made us hold hands and say a lot of chants. Which made me want to laugh a little. Because some of the words sounded so funny, I was pretty sure he was just making them up as he said it. Then he made my dad take my hand and put it in the groom’s hand. Which made me kinda sad. Because of the symbolism. And my dad said stuff which I think means “I give you my daughter..” which made me sad.

Then the major things happen. I was in a haze during most of this too. Except when he tied the knot. And the music started. It usually gives me goosebumps, this point of a wedding. Well, at mine… I broke into tears. I don’t know if anybody noticed. I didn’t like cry out loud or anything. I just had tears streaming down my face. I wasn’t crying because I was unhappy. I was crying because at that moment, that was when realization hit. That I’m not playing a game and pretending to be a grown-up. I actually doing this very huge thing. It’s actually happening. And I felt dead scared. He noticed. And he whispered “Please don’t cry.” Which helped.

By the time it was time for the sindoor, I forgot to feel scared or cry. Because  I’ve seen the sindoor scene sooo many times in movies. And that moment felt so filmy, I wanted it to happen in slow motion. I looked at him with my filmiest eyes. I was also trying not to giggle. That momentary feeling of maturity I’d felt had passed.

The part where we had to hold hands and walk round and round was pretty fun too. I tried to send him a secret message by squeezing his hand according to the alphabets. But he was concentrating too hard on walking.

The rest of the wedding went by in a whir. My mom got to get me to drink milk after many many years. And this time I couldn’t roll up on the floor and kick and scream and throw a tantrum about it. I smiled at and took photographs with so many people, most of them who went “You remember me? Yes? Then say who I am” Aarrrrrg, so annoying, especially because of course I don’t remember them!

When it was time to leave, I cried. So did the rest of my family. But that was expected. It’s kind of a norm in our family. Even if we don’t cry the rest of the 365 days of the year, we can and we will cry at one of our own’s weddings. And this was the last wedding in our family. Which made it all the more sad (Probably not so sad for my dad who’s paid for all three of his girls’ weddings)

And that’s the story of my wedding day. It was exciting and it was exhausting. All those months’ preparation had finally come to an end. But I’m also a little sad that its over. I can’t go shopping crazy and nobody would think it was normal or okay anymore. I can’t have people at the parlour ask “Bride?” to me and then proceed to treat me better than the other non-bride people. I can’t wonder about what my wedding day would be like, like I have been since I was a little girl. I can’t look all nice and get up on stage and be centre of attraction again. Unless I decide to do a dance or sing on stage or something later in life. Which I know I won’t. I can’t randomly boss people around because I’m the bride (Don’t do this for too long, or they might ask you to go to hell.)

But hey, I’m a wife now. And that’s a whole other ball game. I know it won’t be easy. But as long as I have a few filmy moments here and there, I should be fine. My “life as wife” posts will follow shortly. So watch this space. :-)