The Tag that Launched a 1000 Words

So people have tagged me in the past in these tagged blog posts things. But I was always that snooty writer who ignored them like "Pfft, I'm too cool for these kinda kutti kallis." Except now with my record of 1 post per year (I'm gonna pretend I went through a time warp during 2020, 2021 and 2023), not feeling very cool. And this is like the only thing that has managed to get me out of this mega Godzilla-level writers' block that I'd been stagnating in for well over a year now. So thank you, person who tagged me. :)

Eight Things (or People) I Am Passionate About 

1. D

Well, this one is a no-brainer. She is my life's breath, my soul and my best friend and the reason I wake up in the morning (and not just because I have to get her to school on time.) 

I asked her for her 8 things and she said: "Your phone, cup noodles, I don't want to say You because that's understood and you will start getting cringy, my cousins, Hansika, Dress to Impress, sweatshirts andddddd butts *snigger snigger*." The love of my life, ladies and gentlemen.

2. My Kids

The only people that D ever gets insecure about are my kids - my nieces and my nephew. She's always like "Hey, when they come, can you try and not be sooooo fun and stuff?"  I just realized that since I've always been the youngest in my family until these guys came along, these are the only lives I have known right from the beginning. Like the full story. 

They were my first babies, the ones who taught me even before D came along that it is possible to love a tiny human thissssss damn intensely. The ones that make me a decent mom but an even cooler mema. 

During our last vacation, we got to share one cabin with just me and all of the kids and no adults telling us what to do (I mean adultier adults)  and we had the besssssst time ever.  I know they're all growing up and we aren't as close as we used to be and I hardly get to see them, but I also just know that when they're here with me, all 5 of them sprawled across my room, just chilling and chatting and laughing, I feel calm and happy and home.

3. People 

Okay, for anyone who knows me and knows how anti-social I am, this would be the part where you splurt out your drink and call my bullshit. But hear me out. I don't like people as a whole. Like if I accidentally walk into a room full of people, you can bet I will run the other way.  

I think what I meant to say is, I like observing them, I like knowing things about them. Super random stuff - likes dislikes, why they are the way they are, what childhood trauma led to these issues that they have today, you know, simple stuff.

If I feel that if I feel you've got an interesting personality, I might as well do a thesis on you. I often find the randomest of people opening up to me about random things and sometimes I end up thinking - why am I even listening to this but I also can't help it. I have to know! It's like each person is a story. And I do like a good story. 

When I travel on trains or buses, I am always too shy to start up a conversation with a stranger. so I'd imagine lives for them, names and personalities and stories for them. So ya like that I like people, from a distance. 

4. Movies 

When I used to go to office a long time ago, one of the guys who worked with me asked me what I was passionate about. And at the time, I couldn't think of anything.. I think I said something dumb like sleeping or something and he looked at me judgingly. It always stuck with me since then.. why am I not passionate about anything? I mean there are things that I like sometimes, but passion is different, no? 

Even back then I did watch movies quite regularly but I never considered it a passion. Not until 2020 at least. When I started looking at movies in a whooooole other lens.

Started dissecting and introspecting and discussing it. Started speaking to people who would take a movie that I would've seen so many times before and tell you something so profound about some seemingly insignificant scene or bit of music that now you're looking at the same old movie in a whole new light. 

I started writing about movies then, about characters, about the deep impact they've had on my life. I realized that movies had never just been entertainment for me, it had played a real big role in shaping who I was, my ideas about love, about romance, about heartbreak, about feminism, about marriage and parenthood and so many more things. Soooo yeah, movies.

5. Art

I didn't even realize this until I was thinking about what to put down here. It's not like I'm doing art every single day. I barely sketch or paint anymore. But when I look back at the times that I have, I remember how much at peace I'd always felt. And it's always a happy memory. 

When I was a little kid, I was obsessed with drawing Disney characters, I remember I'd once played my Beauty and the Beast VHS tape and paused it at a particular scene so that I could look at the TV and draw Belle. The things we had to do before Google Images.

And when I was pregnant, painting became an obsession. That was all I did during my last trimester. I did worry about the fumes and long hours of sitting wreaked havoc on my back but it kept me sane. I remember furiously painting a huge pot just days before my delivery because I don't know... I felt like I had to do this for myself, that I would no longer have this freedom anymore to sit and leisurely paint to my heart's content. and I wasn't wrong. 

After that art for me came in the form of school projects and fancy dress competitions. I threw myself into these, I'd completely take over my nieces' art projects and spend sleepless nights over it. I'd research D's fancy dress costumes months in advance and create everything from scratch and my god, I loved it. Of late, D and I have started building a collection of tiny canvas paintings that we sit and paint every other weekend. It's one of my favouritest things to do with her, our shared passion, other than movies.

Recently I tried my hand at clay modelling and felt that same wonderfully blissful feeling of peace and tranquillity after a long time. 

6. Music

I don't call this my passion in the literal sense like I like listening to music. I do but I don't even listen to music every single day or anything. I've put music here in the sense that I love music so much that I often think of what background music would play when things happen in my life. I feel life would be so much better and less confusing with background music. I've always done this, though when I was little it was the opposite, I'd hear the song and imagine a real-life scenario for it. And it was usually incredibly cringey and ridiculous. Ok, fine I still do this. But ya music was and is the passage to my imaginary wonderland.

7. Birthdays

I love birthdays, especially mine. I know I'm at an age now where I should be dreading birthdays because I'm just getting old. And that feeling does creep in sometimes, but I push it into some corner and go and eat a shit load of cake instead. I think it's because my family always made a big deal of it when I was little. I think I grew up kind of expected that treatment always.  

My mother still treats me the exact same way and is always the first one blowing balloons and reminding me to order cake. I remember on my 16th bday, it was just me and Amma and she had broken her foot and had it in a cast. So even though I had been waiting forever for my sweet sixteen, there wasn't much we could do given the situation. But when I came back from school, Amma had managed to put up all the decorations we had, blown up the balloons, and had gotten my cousin to order a cake for me. Mothers are just.. I mean...are we even deserving of this much love?

So now I try to do the same for D. In fact, the both of us hype each other up for our big days. We both have a pact that we will not go to school or work on both our birthdays. And it's just a day of pure indulgence. 

At some point in life, I stopped expecting or waiting for someone else to do things for me when I realized I know what I love better than anyone else, so why can't I just do that for myself? It's so much easier and practical. I buy myself a present and eat and do all the stuff I want to do and it's the best. Highly recommend.

8. Writing

I almost rolled my eyes when I put this here because just earlier today I was ranting about how much I hate writing nowadays. Because now writing means work. And writing for work is just painful. But that's not the kind of writing that made me put it here. I recently found that whenever my thoughts or feelings are all jumbled up, writing it down makes it so much more clearer. 

If I want to have a conversation with someone, I would much rather put it in writing. Writing has become less of a thing to do when you're bored and more of a necessity to keep my sanity. I can't journal or anything consistently. But it gives me peace knowing that when shit is hitting the ceiling, and I don't want to talk to anyone, I can always rely on writing like an old friend.

Eight Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. A House of my own

"Not a man’s house. Not my daddy’s. A house all of my own. With my porch and my pillow, my pretty purple petunias. My books and my stories. My two shoes waiting beside the bed. "

I don't know who wrote this poem but that about sums it up. As kids, when we were playing house-house, I was just manifesting my future home. I don't even know how long I've longed for this. 

Every time I pass by some furniture shop, I'd mentally make a note and be like I will come back and get this, this and this when I have my own house someday. I'd gaze enviously at all the knick-knacks that my aunt filled her cupboards with and plan in my head how I would decorate each corner of my house. A yellow sofa, walls filled with weird art, a balcony full of plants, long flowy curtains with fairy lights, it's all there in my head. 

One time I was staying over at my sisters', and I cleaned up her entire apartment when she was asleep, and pretended that I owned the place. It's been a weird obsession since before I can even remember, one that feels achievable from time to time and yet still remains a dream. 

2. Touch Snow 

This is a collective dream that D and I have. We will one day travel north and touch snow and pretend we're Elsa and Anna. 

3. Travel with D

This is just an extension of the above. We're both not travellers and we hate travelling. I'm more of a watcher of other people's travel reels person. Every time I see a picture or video of a gorgeous field of sunflowers or a huge snowy mountain in the midst of all the wilderness, a voice in my head always goes "What if you were to get explosive diarrhoea right when you're standing in the middle of that field? Or your period?"  

What I meant by travel with D is to live out the dream I had ever since I watched Home Alone 2, where Kevin stays in a big fancy hotel and orders all the pizzas and ginormous sundaes and walks around in a robe and do a cannonball in the pool. I want THAT. Saying I want to travel with D sounded more sophisticated than saying I want to pig out with D in a fancy hotel.

4. Write a Children's Book

This is probably one of my oldest dreams. To write and illustrate a children's book. I thought of it more seriously when D was a baby and I used to make up random stories for her. But then when I started buying her books, I realized there are already sooo many awesome progressive writers out there now writing books with mind-blowingly amazing illustrations - like Tullika and Pratham and Storyweaver books.. 

So then was like meh never mind. But yeah, maybe someday.

I did once start writing my autobiography when I was in the 4th grade because I figured I'd seen enough life to start writing about it. 

5. See my Design on a Billboard

The closest  I've come to this is when a design that I did for a plot for sale billboard came up somewhere in the middle of nowhere on the outskirts of Bangalore and was probably seen by a total of 2 people maybe. I also did do a vehicle wrapping once which probably got seen by a few more people. But a friend of mine recently had one of his works go up on Times Square in NY. Times freakin' Square. If not that much, then at least somewhere my mom and dad can point at it and be like "My daughter did that."

6. Live One day like I'm in a Movie

Ok, this isn't exactly a thing to do before I die, it's more of a fantasy. I'm forever writing scripts for my life inside of my head, and nothing ever happens the way I write it. I just want one day to go exactly like I imagine it, or even better. One day of my life to be like a Mani Ratnam movie or a GVM movie. Where the wind always flows in the right direction and my hair is always perfect. Where it rains exactly when it's supposed to rain. Where people say exactly what you want them to say. And the right music plays at the right time. And you feel like a main character every minute. Uff, a day like that.. would be divine.

7. Drive

Ok, I can see my sister and my friends already rolling their eyes. Yes, I have been running away from relearning driving for years now, and it has been on the top of my list of New Year resolutions for the past 7 years at least. and I don't know why I can't make myself go through with it. But that doesn't mean it isn't something I desperately wish I could do. So effortlessly like everyone else. So yes, driving... definitely before I die. It will mostly also be the reason I die as well but okay.

8. Cut Bangs

I came close to it during the pandemic. Did watch tutorials and give myself something that resembled bangs but it wasn't exactly bangs. I want real proper bangs. I'm talking about Zooey Deschanel kinda thick bangs. Or lovely luscious curtain bangs. I've tried 6000 different bangs filters, and I think maybe I could pull it off but it's such a big cut, I always back out. Hmm yeah, maybe when I'm 50. 

9. One day without Inhibitions (Ya, it's 9, I don't care)

I know the amount of words and thoughts and feelings I hold back. Due to fear of confrontations,  fear of hurting people, fear of losing people and fear of being judged, fear of being inappropriate. What if just for a day I could say whatever I want, wear whatever I want and do whatever I want without worrying my brains out about what people would think/say. I hide so many facets of my personality from so many different people, what if I could be the same person with everyone I know? What a crazy thought, ack, I can't even imagine!

Eight Things I Often Say

1. No
D says this is the word I use the most. It bugged me when she said that so now I say it extra just to bug her. 
Her: What time is it?  
Me: no. 

2. I Dunno 
I used to say this so often during school that when my classmates threw me a surprise party in 12th grade, the cake said "Happy Birthday, I Dunno". I still say it a lot now when D asks me random stuff, but have learnt to follow it with "What do you think?" or "Let's ask Google". 

3. Ugh
This is the most versatile word I use. I use it just like someone would use the F word. To imply disgust - Ugh, I hate everything. If something is really unbearable cute - ugh, Fafa is such a pookie. To convey happiness - Ugh I love her so much. Anger - Ugh, I hate my job.

4. I hate everything, 
Water heater broken? I hate everything. Early morning meeting? I hate everything. Received life-altering bad news. I hate everything. Killed a mosquito on my pillow and now the blood is everywhere. I hate everything. Combine it with the aforementioned ugh, and it becomes my life's tagline. 

I realized I'd been saying this way too much when I caught D saying the same when she had to erase something for the 4th time while doing homework. Have been trying to replace it with positivity ever since. The last time I got my period instead of retorting about my usual hatred for everything, I overdid it and was like yesssssssss awesommeee wooohoooo wow wow wow wow and D thought I'd gone insane. 

5. Anything x6
I never realized this until D told me. Every time I'm exaggerating a number, it is always a number with 6 in it. I've told you 6000 times not to do this. We've already seen this movie 600 times. For the 60 thousandth time, stop farting on the pillow. 

6. I Love You
Growing up, like any other typical Malayalee family, I love you wasn't something that was uttered often at all. Not due to the lack of love, just it wasn't something you said out loud. I've heard it more from my sister than from my parents. Which is why I now say it all the time to D, even when I know she's sick of hearing it. And to my nieces and nephew. 

And recently my friend taught me that it is a perfectly normal to say between friends as well. When she said I love you to me for the first time I was a little taken aback and awkward as expected. But now the I love you's flow freely and it feels so nice and reassuring every time. I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I love you, okay? I don't know why we safeguard those words, pretend like only couples have ownership over it most of the time. I mean, who doesn't like to know they're loved? Why do we hesitate every time?

7. F***ing F***ity F***
So most people don't know this, but I do use the F word every now and then but mostly under my breath or in my head. Sometimes when it gets too much, I go to the bathroom and swear to my heart's content. And it always starts with odd F**ng F***ity F**. I don't even know what that means or how I came up with it. It sounds angry and comical at the same time. Is it weird that I'm as adult as I can get and I'm still thinking - shit, I hope my dad doesn't read this part?

8. You know which movie/series this reminds me of?
Life doesn't come with a handbook, but I feel movies are the closest thing to one. Drawing parallels between life and movies is something I do so consistently that one time D actually retorted - Life is not a movie, Amma! 

Eight Books I Last Read

1. I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee

Started and didn't finish.

2. Sorrow and Bliss by Meg Mason

Started and didn't finish.

3. Whereabouts by Jhumpa Lahiri (my favourite author once upon a time)

Started and didn't finish.

4. Goat Life by Benyamin

Started and really thought I'd finish but didn't.

5. Soldier Sailor by Claire Kilroy

Started and didn't finish

6. Do Epic Shit by Ankur Warikoo

Started and didn't finish

7. Surprise Me by Sophie Kinsella

Started and didn't finish

8. Goosebumps- Welcome to the Dead House by R.L Stine (with D)

She started it and didn't finish. Damn, wonder where she gets it from.

Eight Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over Again

This one is too tough. So I'm just gonna pick stuff from my "Songs That Make Me Happy" + "Such a Nice Feels" playlist on Spotify. I hate picking out lists of favourites, be it movies or songs. I know I will want to change it again 600 times and will think of 6000 other songs I should have added.

Strawberry Kanne - I know weird one to have on my number 1. It's either this or Mana Mathurai from the same movie. It's almost impossible to listen to these songs and not feel happy by the end of it.

Azhagiye - Another one from my happy list. This one also falls under my secret day-dreaming list of songs.

Nilaavumm - This song soothes me, like a soft silent rain on a lonely night. Also Maranittum Enthino.

Raree Rariram Raro - The movie, the scenario, the words, the emotions behind it, everything about this song I love.

Cherathukal - this was my most listened-to song in 2020. It's a let all your worries float away for a while kinda song. Would also add Uyiril Thodum and Uyirin Nadhiye over here. Every time I travel, I have to listen to those songs without fail and look out the window while fully channelling my main character energy, it's a must.

Mounam Swaramayi- This song feels like coming home after a long tiring day to a warm hug. 

Kannodu Kannoram - I think I fell in love with this song a lot more after D happened. And it's one song I often find myself humming. Also Unnakenne Venum Sollu. Ya ya, I'm just sneakily adding more than 8 songs and hoping no one notices.

Poonkattinodum - I dunno. I just love this song. No explanations.

Eight People I think should do this tag.

Nope. I'm still way too cool to do this bit. Noone.

Home

My parents are selling my childhood home. My big beautiful nearly 70-year-old house. This will be the last post I write from under this roof, sitting in this room, gazing out of this window at this flurry of green that I love so so much. 

This is an ode to my beautiful house, a place that will remain in my heart for a lifetime.

This isn't really a blog post for anyone to read.  It's more like a word vomit of all the things I don't want to forget. And it'll probably be super long. 

 Our story in this house began in the year I was born. My grandfather bought it from an old Gujarathi Settu. It was and still is known as Settu-nde veed. The architecture, everything was built around their Gujarathi style, something that would enrapture all those who visit us.

So many people lived in our house before us, the Gujrathi family, my dad’s brother and his family, my cousin and her family before finally coming to us in the year I was born.

I spent the first couple of years of my life in this house, and most of it is mostly blurry. Like an old video cassette playing with a lot of static. There are bits and pieces here and there that I manage to piece together through photographs. 

Climbing the old guava tree, making mann-putt and crushing leaving to make fresh mailanji on the muttam, tending to the chickens in the backyard, a super cool dog house with sliding doors for Tommy and Julie and later Judy, hunting for kuzhi-annas in the car shed, waiting excitedly at the front door for my acha to come home, my sister teaching me to ride a cycle, skinned knees from falling off the cycle one too many times.

Two big pots in the front steps, one which fell and broke when my dad to into a tussle with someone, my amma in a pink saree cutting my nails sitting in the side steps, the big guava tree my sisters and cousins would always climb and the swing that hung from it, the little guava tree that I'd climb and hours atop alone because the big guava tree was way too big for my little arms and legs....I’d managed to romanticize the house a fair amount based on these tidbits of memories. 

I don’t remember how I’d felt when we suddenly left for Sharjah a little after my 7th birthday. I remember parts of the birthday celebration but... was I sad? Did I walk through the house saying goodbye to all the rooms? Did I shed tears over the guava tree? I wish I remembered how I felt then.

The memories waned as we built a home in a foreign country that had no guava trees or chickens in the backyard. 

When we’d come to India to visit during the summer holidays, the house had lost all appeal to me. It had new inhabitants now, my dad’s cousin and family. They had made it their own, not a trace of our memories were found anywhere. It didn’t feel like ours anymore. Our cozy little flats back in UAE, that was home now, not this broken down old place. I’d grumble whenever we had to visit my cousins. We'd turned into smooty lil NRI kids, I guess.

Even then, when there was talk of selling the house, I’d plucked a leaf off of one of the trees and saved it between the pages of a diary, where it still remains.

The house then went to my dad's elder brother and family who stayed for the duration of his daughter's wedding. The first wedding in the house. I still felt nothing. 

A few more years pass. As our lives in the desert moved forward steadily, the house once again came into the picture. It was time for my eldest sister’s wedding – the first wedding of the family. It was decided that the house needed a makeover. The previous inhabitants had moved out. My mom and dad set out to turn it into a home. 

Everyone was excited. We initially only had 2 bedrooms. The large hall upstairs which had been a kind of playroom/partyhall/dance class area was going to be turned into 2 bedrooms. I was still in high school then and I was kinda excited about having a bedroom of my own(a luxury that had never been bestowed on me) even though it would be years before it would actually turn into my room for real. 

I remember picking out the colours of the tiles. My sister- the bride- got to pick the posh-est one, royal maroon, and my dad even agreed to put a bathtub in her room. I wanted grey. I don’t know why. I somehow thought grey sounded cool and adult-y I guess.

When all the renovations were done, we didn’t really have much time to actually enjoy and take in the house because of all the mad wedding prep. Still, I think those were the first solid, unblurry memories that we made in this house. It was constantly filled with people, so many relatives had come to stay because of course, we had room for them. The house constantly echoed of voices, music, laughter… it was like it had come alive again after so long.

We did it all over again for my 2^nd sister’s wedding and even held pennu kannals at the house.

After that wedding was over, my parents once again prepared to lock up the house before returning to UAE. I headed back to college. During short college breaks, I’d go to my grandparent’s house in Palghat, which felt more like home than this house had. When seniors asked me where I was from, I’d always fumble between Sharjah and Palghat and Thrissur.. Because I wasn’t sure what the answer was supposed to be. Which was home?

Post my sister’s marriage, we once again found relatives who’d move into our house – my dad’s cousin’s parents. They moved out a few years later. And my parents left UAE for good and finally moved back into our house of 24 years in 2009.

Both my sisters had been pregnant with their first child at the time, and my parents began prepping the house for the first of many more tiny offspring.  

When we brought home our first baby – K, my nephew, from the hospital, it turned into the happiest place in the world. A tiny little child in the house – it was such an alien concept for me, me being the last child our house had known. Our house was finally turning into a home again, with chickens and plants and heaps of toys and a crib and actual furniture. Guests were pouring in again. I would rush home from hostel every chance I got, carrying the baby around the house, showing him the birds and trees and stuff. There is a washing rock, a place where I’d sat with all of my kids to expose them to some morning sun to bump up their Vit A level. It’s one of my warmest quiet memories of the house.  

We brought home two more nieces L and J after that straight from the hospital into this house. Both of whom spent their first few years growing up here. It’s such a wonderful place for a child to grow up in, with lots and lots of space to run around and play hide and seek, mud to roll around in, trees to climb, and critters to discover. And I got to experience the house all over again in a whole different light while I ran about and played around with these kids, kind of like reviving those old blurry childhood memories.

We brought home our beloved Bolty and later Coco, because every house needs a dog. We did have Tommy, Julie and Judy way back when we were kids too. And they all had their own set of adventures in this house.

Oh, and I almost forgot, the elephants! So our house had such a huge yard that when we’d have our temple festival, the mahouts would bring the elephants to our house to let them rest. It was one of the coolest things ever, walking out the front door and seeing 2-3 elephants just chilling right there. I remember feeding the kids food while distracting them with the elephants. What luxury! One of the elephants got a little bored and broke off one of our papaya trees one time. We’d watch as the mahouts later bathed them and got them ready for the festival. My dad would always make sure that we got a chance to feed them coconuts and bananas before they left. What are the odds of something like that ever happening to us ever again?

I learned to drive and would practice in our front yard. Broke a bunch of pots. I attempted to climb my guava tree again and fell off it. I went to my first job interview from this house. I received my first appointment letter in this house. I had my many pennukannals in this house. I got ready for my wedding day in this house. Stepped out of here crying thinking I’d not be seeing much of it anymore. Everyone still laughs at me for that. I found out that I was pregnant while I was under this roof. 

I came back to this house in my 8^th month of pregnancy. I remember standing out in the front yard in the morning with my shirt hiked up, belly protruding to catch up on my Vitamin A, along with my little niece J, who’d do the same. 

I would walk around and around the yard every day, sometimes calling out random baby names. When my due date was nearing and my baby was refusing to budge, I remember adich vaaralling the muttam inspired by an old movie. 

I brought my baby girl home from the hospital into this house. My mom welcomed her like she'd done for all the kids who'd come before, with a vilak and thaalam at the doorstep. 

I then, like my parents had done for us, set out to turn it into her home for D, the only one she’d known. I was so excited that she was born in the same hospital as me and then brought into the same house as me. I lived there for the first 7 years of my life before moving away and she got to live here for the first 8. 

Motherhood was scary but having seen 3 other babies brought up in the same exact spot, I kinda felt like I knew my way around a little bit. There was a lot less fumbling. We had a room specifically for newborn babies and their mothers. Cupboards that had held baby stuff over the years. The coil and hook for the crib were never taken down. 

D took her first steps here, said her first word, learned her first song, cut her first cake, got ready to go to her first day of school.. and so so so many more firsts under this roof. While the memories of all my childhood firsts in this house are blurry blobs, all of hers are crystal clear to me. I’m so glad that she got to spend a good portion of her childhood running free among trees, rolling around in the mud and dancing in the rain just like me. I hope she holds onto those memories. 

D and I moved from room to room. After spending the entirety of the 2020 lockdown in a tiny room downstairs with no windows, we finally moved upstairs and turned it into our little kingdom. The one with the grey bathroom tiles I'd chosen. I scrubbed and cleaned like a maniac and little by little turned it into our cozy little sanctuary. I put up a canopy of sorts, strung fairy lights, and decorated it with art and plants, and made it my own.

 No one (other than the kids) would visit us there, we could be as loud as we wanted and dance as weirdly as we liked. My windows didn't need curtains - we could walk around naked and no one would care, we could stay up as late as we wanted and no one would know. Sometimes D and I sing out loud in the middle of the night while lying in bed. It was our own little isolated world.. and I'll miss it so much.

My friends would always tell me, it isn’t really about the house, it’s the people inside it, the moments you have with them that make it really a home. They may be true, but I don’t know. The house felt like one of us. A silent spectator of the many million memories we created there. A safe space. No matter where I go, when I get back home and climb up those stairs and get to the top, I always always heave a sigh of relief involuntarily. Like I'm... home. I don't know if I'll ever get that feeling anywhere else. 

I was supposed to finish writing this before we moved out of there. Didn't. It's been almost two months since we moved and I still haven't gotten around to finishing this. 

I don't know what more to write

Ok, now I'm just going to list down all the stuff I can still see/hear about the house when I close my eyes.

Yellow petals falling in the rain from my kanikonna when it rains, the ground covered with yellow, the sound of my window creaking when I open it every morning, sitting at the front door when it rains, drinking coffee sitting on the front step, sitting with D in the balcony almost every night before bed listening to music, sometimes dancing around in the dark while I carry her on my hip.

The marapatti who'd walk around in the attic at night. The morning sun hitting our big mango tree, how the light would beautifully sneak through from in between the leaves. The feel of the bark of the old mango tree. How everything would be so extra green when you open the side door of the house after it rains. 

Sitting on the washing rock. The smell of guavas. The smell of pacha maanga. Amma's excitement when her roses bloom. Acha walking through the paramb with his walking stick, Coco in tow. The thumping sound when the kids hop up the stairs. The smoothness of the banister. The creaky sound on almost all the door hinges. Tiny drops of light here and there. 

The crows and the squirrels feeding on the rice we leave out for them, the excitement we'd feel when we spot a Rufus treepie or a parrot or owl or a bat - all of whom we'd named. Random snake-spotting. Watching Coco run all the way till the gate his ears flapping about. Hosing down the kids with the garden hose in the front yard. The song from the temple. Amma watering the plants in the evening. 

Night walk to get the milk packets from the gate, the squeak of the gate, the coolness of the round smooth pebbles we'd collect, the quietness of the morning in my room. My balcony filled with plants and the way they'd look in the morning when the golden light pours in through the windows. My bedroom wall covered with drawings by all my kids. My parent's bedroom wall with all of the kid's height markings over the years. 

The rain - I know the rain isn't part of the house but rain always felt better from the house. The smell of it when it hits the ground. The sound of it hitting the roof. The way it makes all the leaves glisten. The way the roof changes colour as the rain gets heavier. The way the trees shake about wildly. The many many buckets and pots we'd keep out to catch the leaks. The way the floor would instantly get cooler. The feeling of rain when it falls on my face when we sit at the front door, huddling under a blanket. The muddy puddles we'd jump into. The way we'd run through the yard getting drenched.

I did not miss the rats and the giant spiders and the ants everywhere and definitely not the kodhus but mentioning them here as they were common occurrences too. 

We've made a lot of amazing memories and quite a few bad ones too in this home. Hundreds of life lessons were learned and countless hours were spent laughing, crying, playing, dancing and just being. Nestled between two humongous mango trees, our almost 70-year-old house stood strong with us through it all, providing comfort during the good times and the bad. 

I don't know if this is the next phase of growing up. If it is, then I hate it. I hate having to let go of this. This feels worse than a break-up. How does one get closure from a break-up with a house? Where are the books and articles and videos on that?

2023 was a tough year for us. When the news first came that the house was being sold, I didn't give it much thought. Because this has happened many times before and it always fell through. But as the deal got more and more concrete, I started feeling uneasy. I was devastated when I was told we'd have to leave within 6 months. All of us went into a sort of mourning for a while. We made every second count when all of us got together during the summer holiday. 

But then we were hit with one bad thing after another and the grief over the house was put on the backburner. As our family struggled not to crumble under the weight of all the bad stuff that was thrown our way - I realized losing our house isn't the worst thing that can happen to us and my friends were actually right. It's the people.. like my sister and I would repeat to each other whenever one of us starts feeling too sad about the house. It's the people, we still have the people who are in the house with us.. Our big chaotic family.. and that's all that matters. 

What's Something You Didn't Know 10 Years Ago That You Now Know?

Recently, I read a letter that a friend of mine wrote to his younger self. It got me thinking about how my life has changed in the span of the last 10 years.  And what are the things that I learnt?

Since D isn't 10 yet, I asked her what's one thing she didn't know when she was 6 that she now knows at 8 years. She looked thoughtful for a moment. And said solemnly "Education. The word education has all the vowels in it. My friend told me." 

I was obviously impressed.

Then I set off on my own mind journey. Trying to think of all the random stuff I would have picked up in the past 10 years. Thanks to Instagram, I come across so much random new information every day - most of which I would have been well off not knowing at all. But after having dug deep, here are some random and sorta kinda meaningful life lessons from the past 10 years. 

1. I now know what it feels like to have money in the bank - your own hard-earned money. And the feeling of safety that comes with it. But also the feeling of panic knowing that it can be emptied in an instant. Also, spending your own money = perpetually feeling guilty about spending your own money.
2. I realize how the things I say and do actually have some effect on people. I'd always thought - it's just me, what difference does it make? But when people quote back things that you said, when your daughter picks up some random word you said 3 months ago and your friend starts wanting children solely on the stories you tell her about D, you know you're making some kinda ripple
3. Ten years back, my parents were just parents. People who look after you. It never occurred to me that they're getting older too. And that blanket of security they provide can be taken away from you suddenly.  A scary thought that you try to ignore, but it keeps gnawing at the back of your mind constantly.
4. I now know that I didn't turn out to be the mother I thought I would be. I didn't turn out to be "that exceptional mom who never gives their child the phone." Not better or worse. Just mostly okay. 
5. I now know that credit cards are evil.
6. Sometimes when you're holding your little baby and eating food at the same time, you will tend to drop food on her by mistake. It's okay. Just pick it up off her head and keep eating. Bottom line - you will screw up as a parent so many times and hate yourself for it. The feeling will pass.
7. I now know that life doesn't work out like a timetable - school, college, work, marry, child, happily ever after. Nope. The random twists and turns come out of nowhere. And sometimes even before you can catch your breath, you're pushed down a whole new road you never even knew existed. 
8. That it's possible to wake up on a new year thinking this will be the year that you travel and meet new people and completely alter your life and then end up staying home all year long because of a pandemic and then meet new people and completely alter your life. 
9. The shocking realization that your opinions about people you may have known for years can change instantly when their ugly sides come out in random WhatsApp forwards or political stances.
10. Having a child doesn't automatically make you a responsible person. Nor does getting married.
11. It is scarily possible to love someone to a level that seems like an obsession. 
12. Eagles can fly over rain clouds. And chickens are descendants of dinosaurs.
13. That there'll be spans of time where you're in a good place with your friends - where you are talking every day, having deep discussions, joking about stuff, your Whatsapp group is pinging all the time and you are all very involved in each other's lives. It's a very short span. People change and priorities change. Enjoy it while it lasts. You'll come across more spans with different sets of people. 
14. Sometimes all people want is someone to listen to them. With every person's story that you listen to, you learn a new perspective. You learn about a life entirely different from yours. And hopefully, you learn to be a bit more empathetic. 
15. There is a world outside of rom-coms genre of movies. You're going to get your mind blown.
16. Plants are freaking awesome.
17. That no matter what I do, I will somehow always end up disappointing my dad. 
18. You're supposed to add salt to rice while cooking it. And apparently, there are some 6000 different kinds of rice.
19. The term "bursting with pride"' is a real sensation you will feel inside your stomach and heart when you watch your child on stage or standing up in class to say a speech or something, that makes you feel like you will literally combust with pride.
20. Validation is a drug. Extra potent when it comes from people you want validation from.
21. That I'm capable of making basic passable meals - 3 times a day. 
22. That I'm a freaking idiot for not taking care of my skin in my 20s.
23. There are 600 different ways to save money. Having the willpower to is a whole different thing.
24. Thousands of people are going to read what I wrote and actually like it. And even give me money for it. My designs are going to show up on signboards, packages, vehicles, and menus. I'll make content that makes loads of people laugh.  And it's going to feel amazing. And yet I'm still going to remain terribly underconfident about my craft on most days.
25. Make-up is expensive but useful to make you feel nice about yourself. Same with sarees.
26. A strong dupatta works so much better and is way cheaper than a baby carrier.
27. Your period will show up on the days you have to travel. There isn't any Google hack that can change that. Just accept it.
28. The definition that you had of "'love" up until now is going to change and change and change.
29. Having a job that pays well but you don't enjoy means you're happy only on 1 day of the month.
30. The word "'Education" has all the vowels in it.

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So when I started to write this, I was curious to know what other people's 10-year life lessons would've been. So I went around asking a few of my friends and had some lovely conversations. Here are some of my favourite responses to the question "What's something you know now that you didn't know 10 years ago."

That you don’t have to physically look beautiful or pretty for a guy to like you.
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That you don’t have to accept the love you ‘think’ you deserve.

Managing finances.

Beginner-level cooking.

I used to think  "Salary - expenses at the end of month = saving for investments etc". Then during covid saw a video of Tanmay where he brought a personal finance expert who said it should be "Salary on day you get - savings/investments = balance left for you to spend for the month. And that investments % he said was 15 or 20%"

I'm ashamed to admit this as a cricket fan, I didn't know that ends were changed after each over.

I didn't know what potpourri was

You slowly become your mom/dad unknowingly. You say I won't be like her/him and one fine day you complain about how vegetable prices are rising and how your body is paining and how well will you enjoy a good sound sleep.

That you don't have to wait for marriage to have sex. And having a bidet or not affects the quality of life

Cooking takes more time than eating 

Your parents will behave a bit like children and it's hard to make them take care of their health. And it's sad to see them age

Doing adult things like taxes and errands takes a lot of time

That there are careers outside medicine, engineering (and architecture which is the option outside these two)

Sometimes it isn't love. It's grooming.

Gentle parenting. Prioritizing myself first. Healthy eating, exercise. Driving. 

Didn't know that I was a person who can barely keep contact 

That I would have a nice career so early in life. In my head, I would have been boss lady like at 35 yrs.

That class 10 is not "the turning point" but only the beginning of a series of turning points.

When I was 12 I thought people who were 20 plus had their life sorted. But now I knowwwwwwww.

That I can have soup and ice cream together if I want to. That I can get drenched in the rain without getting a fever.

10 years ago, I was worried about people n society ... but now I know how to deal with it ..athre ullu

How rich are you enulath matters when it comes to a lot of things

Sex isn't a big deal.

Love was supposed to be eternal but anyone can change their feelings anytime.

One thing is that I didn’t know the truths of the movie industry

It’s a very unsettling realisation that majority of the world still revolves around sex. Bhoolokathinte spandanam thanne.

The fact that my mom wasn't lying when she said sit properly or you'll hurt your back.

I thought relationships are meant forever; like be it family, friends or whoever we had some intimacy with... I felt it would stay the same forever...

 Back then I dint know how to start convos... ippo ariyam ennala... but I feel I'm better aware of beginning a conversation.

That everything really happens for the good.

That growing old isn't that fun

I know you now. 

25 Wishes For My Daughter

I'm not going to start this blog with "Well, the last time I wrote was so long ago." I'm not a frequent blogger. I haven't been one in a long time. I admit it. Not because I don't always have anything to say. It's just taken a back seat. Most of my blog ideas lately were eventually just turned into Instagram or Facebook captions. Isn't it ironic? I started this blog years ago for an outlet to put out random stuff. Now the number of outlets available are overwhelming. 

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote. I'm a working mom now, with a regular 9 to 5 job, except I work from home. We have a new dog now, but I somehow can't seem to connect with her like I did with Bolty. My daughter is in school now, blowing my mind every single day with the stuff she learns.

I've read pieces of late where people write future advice or points for their kids to always remember.  I've been wanting to do something of the sort for a while now, but then being the parent that I am, I really am not sure half the time what it is that I want for my child. And what if I put something down now and then change my mind about it later? And what if she holds it against me for writing something I did not mean. 
Then I realized I am not writing some sort of constitutional law here. I'm just going to look at her and write what I feel right now at this moment. I've got a few more years before she will be able to read this blog. Or rather skim through it and roll her eyes and be like "Urrrrrghh, this is soooo lame!"

Anyhow, here are some of my wishes for my beautiful 4 year old daughter. Things that I'd like her to know, would like her to absorb.

1. Be kind, but know when not to let your kindness be taken for granted. Help whomever you can but don't ever let others take credit for your work. 

2. Be confident about what you can do, but don't be cocky. Try out as many things you can before you figure out what it is that you're good at, and then stick to it.

3. Be strong, bold and brave, but don't go looking for trouble. Know when to keep your head down and wait for the storm to pass.

4.  Voice your thoughts, let it be known if you disagree, but don't ever be disrespectful of the other person's opinion.

5. Make good friends, but don't depend on them for your happiness. Don't depend on anyone but yourself for your happiness. 

6. You can dislike somebody for their character, but don't dislike a person because of their ignorance. 

7. Try not to be invisible. You don't have to be the centre of attention if you don't want to. Just try to leave a room having affected atleast one person in that room. (This is something that I am not, but would love if you could be.)

8. You will fall in love, many times. And get your heart broken or break hearts too. Each one is going to help mould the person you are going to be. And also help you be more clear about who you want to spend your life with.

9. Make lists. Lots of them. It somehow helps put things into perspective.

10. Live alone at some point in life. Own an apartment, Get a dog. I will probably argue with you and probably never want to let you go too far, but pay no heed.  Do it anyway.

11. Always turn off the lights in the bathroom and close the door when you're done. And turn off the tap while you brush.  (these are things I tell you literally everyday now, so I'm guessing it would be applicable whenever it is you're reading this.)

12. Have a good relationship with God. I'm not saying you should pray everyday. That is upto you. But do have something/someone you believe in. If you do pray, remember to say thank you! 

13. Do something everyday that makes you happy. Not because someone needs you to do it, or because it's the right thing. But don't do drugs.

14. Sometimes when we fight, I will say things to you that I do not mean. And so will you. I will forgive you every time. Please forgive me too?

15. Dare to be funny. If you have a funny random thought, don't worry about what the listener will think. Just say it. If you earn a laugh out of it, great. If you get an eye roll instead, no big deal. 

16. Whether you're a morning person or a night person, have a particular time in a day where you can be alone with yourself without any distractions. 

17. You will make so many wrong decisions in life. Cry about it if you must. Then figure out a plan B. Life will not always turn out the way you expect it to be. You can either feel sorry for yourself or do something to help yourself out. 

18. Don't expect the universe, or your mom and dad to bail you out of the same mistake over and over again. Maximum two times. After that I'm leaving you in jail. 

19. It is never too late to start something new. I have a friend who is off to college at 27. Another one who has decided to learn dance at the age of 36.  I figured out  I got a vague idea about my career at 31. Your aunt is learning to drive at 40. Your grandfather has been bitten by the travel-bug at 70. There's never a bad time to do what you're passionate about.

20. Treat your body well but eat whatever you want. Don't be the kind of girl who has to think before biting into a cupcake. Not if you're my daughter. Eat what you want. Just not drugs. 

21. Save save save your money. It's awesome to spend money. It's even more awesome to let it grow in a bank somewhere. Money is important and essential. The sooner you learn that, the better. 

22. Remember you are beautiful. I hope you don't have a hard time accepting that. Also, your hair, I don't know whether you'll love it or you'll hate it future, but it is one of the most spectacular looking things ever. I've cried many a tear into those beautiful locks of yours. 

23. Try not to take what people say too serious. Someone calls you fat at a wedding, feel bad about it for a bit if you must, then let it go, post a joke about it on Facebook and go eat that cupcake. 

24. The purpose of your life is not to cook, clean or be the supporting cast in somebody else's life. I'm the mother of an extraordinary little girl and I swear to God, if you grow up and throw your life away for anything less than extraordinary, I will be heartbroken.

25. In a few years, we might not be close. You might not want to spend time with me. Or hear what I have to say. We might not see eye to eye. That's okay. That's probably karma. But know that whenever you need me, or if you're in trouble, or need advice, or just need to vent,  just go "Amma" and look at me with those big eyes of yours and I'll turn into mush and be there for you. It works as of now, I'm sure if will work 20 years from now as well. 


But most of all, I need you to always remember that I love you like crazy and there isn't anything in the world that can change that.

Damn, this list started at 10 things. I could probably keep going but won't. Gee, I feel old and wise! How did I get here?