Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ready. Get Set. View!

Bird watching, whale watching, solar eclipse viewing, tv viewing and bride-viewing. Ugh.
Bride-viewing. Ugh.
Honestly though, I never really had a problem with the whole process. I thought it was something that everyone just has to go through and it was rather fun when my sisters had to do it. But seriously.. bride-viewing.. ugh..I'm sorry everytime I say the word it makes me wanna say ugh cos it is...just UGH! Viewing it seems. Like a bride.. is a view.. and why is it bride viewing? The bride "views" the groom too! Why not groom-viewing? Ugh. Ok maybe it the viewing bit that gets to me. Viewing. Yeesh... I just checked the thesaurus to see if there is a better term... apparently it could only get a lot worse. It could be bride-observation or bride-scrutiny or bride-analysis (You gotta admit this one sounds kinda cool though) or bride-inspection. Yuck. No matter what you call it, the whole damn process will remain as yucky as ever. For those who are not familiar with the grand process, you could either google it... or I could just tell you since you've been kind enough to read bout it this far without having a clue what I'm talking bout. Bride viewing is when a random guy's mum n dad decides to meet up with a random girl's mom n dad for tea or whateva and talk to each other for say half hour and let the random guy and girl talk for maybe 10 minutes as a result of which they are expected to fall head over heels in love with each other and want to marry each other immediately. But the guy falling in love with the girl will be unaccounted for if the mom and dad does not fall in love with the girl first, based on her looks, the number of ornaments she is (read - been forced to) wearing, her posture, her voice, her teeth, her skin colour, her size (now I could be referring to any size..including shoe size), the way she ties her hair, if she's smudged her kohl, the way she makes small talk and the way she smiles and smiles until her cheeks fall off. After which the guy's mom n dad has to fall in love with the girl's mom and dad. And the house. And the furniture. And the car.  And the servant. And more. You would sooo not have found a defnition this apt if you had googled. :-)
So anyways, I kinda thought that it was gonna be fun. I mean if you think of it, you get to check out a random guy head to toe without even having to step out of the house and with your parents permission. How bizzare is that!?
Except the closer you get to actually experiencing it, the more you realise that this is a bad bad idea.
The first guy who came to see me... well I didnt even give the poor guy a chance. I told my dad that I don't think I like the guy right after I read his biodata and saw his picture which I believe he took right after or right before he threw up. I also dug up stuff from Facebook and Orkut about the poor lad that could help me justify why exactly I don't like him. Even then my dad was under the impression that if I "just speak to the guy, I will change my mind" and fall hopelessly in love with him. I didn't think so but whatever. Decided to humor him.
The only thing I was worried bout was everyone making a big huge deal out of it and getting all nervous. I was hardly nervous or excited about it. I was totally and entirely tensed about my driver's license test the next day though. This seemed like a cakewalk compared to that.
Things were all good until the relatives show up. I forgot to mention that for these kinda "ceremonies" more often than not, relatives and friends are invited to witness the grand event all and to bug you until you  wanna run off and join a monastery. So until then everyone was minding their own business and I was playing with my nephew and the chickens n all. The relatives bug me into changing my clothes and getting ready although it would be hours until the "viewers" would show up. I didn't argue. I went and changed into "very" decent girl clothes and totally did everything they wanted me to and tried my best to turn me into someone I'm not. One of my relatives wanted me to slap on a coupla layers of foundation. That really pissed me off. I mean say I get married to this dude. And the day after I'm married he sees me without the 10 layers of foundation, I wouldn't want him to die of heart failure. I mean in this setting, I'm really not gonna get married to a guy who loves me for my personality or shit. Mite as well marry a guy who likes me for what I truely and honestly look like atleast. So yeah anyway, I swallow my frustration and ignore everything else they have to say.

Anyway to cut the long story short, the guy shows up. And I was busy playing with the chicken. Mom announces their arrival and suddenly I have this incredible urge to laugh uncontrollably. I reaally hoped I wouldn't go stand in front of them and have a giggling fit. Maybe it was then that the ridiculousness of it all sank in. I sneak a peek and see the guy who looks up and sees me at the same time. In a normal situation I would've totally gone all la-la-la at this point since I loooove filmy moments like this. Right then it just made my stomach ache. Not in a good way either. I was forbidden from going out there and meeting them until I'm called out. So I'm sitting there in my room, texting my friends and waiting and waiting cos I was really hungry and my folks had got all these goodies and snacks for when these people show up. My sis comes in and tells me that they're eating now. Oh goody now I can go. No not yet, says Sis. Ugh.
So I'm waiting and waiting. They finish eating and they still havent called me out. Now I was like oh good, maybe they all forgot all about me and why they came and now they'll just leave and this nightmare will be over! And thats when Mum comes in with the same smug smile she had when she once caught me checking out guys from the window in my room, before I could even deny what I was doing. I'm not sure why she had that smile on now. Anyhow, I step out with a broad fake smile. I totally rock at fake smiles. You can never ever tell when I'm faking it. Its an art that I've perfected. So I'm fake smiling at all these people and I totally check the guy out. And the first impression that I have of him is that he's the kinda guy you see in buses. Not the touchy-feely jerks. The kinds that sit in the last seat and stare at you until you get off the bus. I had a feeling I might've even seen this fellow in a bus somewhere. And he was staring at me right then. Yikes.
The mom and aunt and whoever that was makes small talk. I smile and talk, smile and talk. I felt like I was acting out the part of decent prospective bride in some B-grade movie.
And as much as I hated all of it and wanted to kill everyone for making me do it, I was obliged to behave. Too complicated to explain why.
There were these awkward silences where noone would say anything. They'd just have these huge toothy smiles and they'd all be staring at me. You have nooo idea how freaky that is. You look at them and they're just smiling and staring. Like in psycho movies! So I look at the guy. Who looks away whenever I look at him. Hello! What was with this dude?! He looked extremely uncomfortable and was totally fake laughing too. Well, it sounded fake.And he kept laughing at things that weren't funny at all! I hate having to do that. Smiling is ok. I really can't laugh at unfunny things unless its done/said by a really really Really cute guy. But even that have limits.
Hmm, anyway everything depended on the 5 minutes that I get to talk to him personally. I had even prepared a list of things I could ask him (few of which were totally vetoed by mum). I had the whole thing planned in my head. Either I prove to mum and dad that this guy is totally unmarry-able or I find something or the other to make him seem irresistable. Anything could happen in those 5 minutes.
Dad utters the sacred words : Maybe we should let the two of them speak privately.
Silence. Silence. Silence.
Guy (looking bewildered) :  I don't have anything to say!
Me (in my head) :  You've got to bloody kidding me! How the %$*& am I gonna fall madly and crazily in love with you if you don't let me talk to you! Should I say that I wanna talk? Would that be breaking the "decency" code? Do I really want to talk to this guy anyway? Why prolong this process? The sooner they leave, the sooner I can eat.
So I say nothing. Blah. Who cares.
I look at the food sadly. It was all almost over. :-(
I sadly look over at the little boy who came along with these people. He was kicking a ball towards my nephew. *sigh* I could kick way better than that. I wanted to go play with them. Damned bride-viewing nonsense. I look at the guy again who looks away again. Ugh.
When they all finally got up to leave, one of the women who came along with them held my hand and said goodbye. And she wouldn't let go! She was smiling and staring and smiling and not letting go! I freaked! I thought she wanted to take me home right then itself! Yeah sure like I'd go home with the guy who doesn't even wanna talk to me. I really couldnt understand it though. Why didn't he wanna talk to me? And why did he have to look so appalled at the idea of it? I hardly look intimidating. I couldn't even intimidate a lil baby! What was that guy's problem anyway?! Stupid guy missed the conversation of a lifetime. Oh well, his loss.

Before he left he once again did the whole filmy thing and turned around and glanced one last time and stuff. Very filmy. Yeah, can't speak to me but puts up all this filmy shit. Yeah. Okay.Whatever.
Anyhow, that ended and turns out nobody liked anybody very much and that was my narrow escape.
I still think that the custom sucks but its actually fun to think of now. And its given me something to write about.
Few more people came to see me after that. But it was all awfully dull. My sister figured I should just give in and marry some guy to put an end to these visits. Yeah, the ultimate reason to get married! I'm sure 'll figure out another way out of this. I've got time until my next bride-viewing session, don't I? Ugh!


caZper said...

u ok??....i see lot of frustration in the post.......ure fed up big time :(..
anyways awesome post as always....keep em coming....

Vinz said...

u sound like u r gonna bloody explode!!!! take a deep breath first n calm down....very informative bride-analysis process in detail.... ;))
ok jus for kicks id like to knw the quaestions u had planned to ask the dude!! ;P

ramzi said...

lol..ha ha..lovely post i always say, i love reading ur blogs!! deadly funny it is..i sooo can relate to what is happening..soon gonna happen to all of us...write more ok?? good one again... :)

Saurabh Panshikar said...

OMG I laughed so hard on reading this post... (mostly at the sarcasm)
It was a too good post... And after a long time.

I wish you'd blog more often.

LOL @ Bride Inspection... How would that go?
"Eyes" - Check
"Nose" - Check

I'm too young to go 'bride hunting', but I'l keep this post in mind when I do.

~Ms. A~ said...

@caz- me okays.. frustration been on for a long time. not just related to this. been we havent been keepin in touch enuf lately.and thanks 4 readin!

@vin- haha im fine.. just wrote ladat cos thinkin bout it pisses me off. otherwise im gud.u keep all this in mind wen ur time comes. and ill tel u the qs wen we chat.

@ram- thanks u girl. keep reading! :?)

@sau - aww it means a lot to me to have made sumbody laugh.i dunt blog often cos i dunt blog unless i badly wanna talk bout sumthin to say. not a lotta exciting things happen in my n take my word 4 it n skip d whole bride viewing (ugh) thing wen ur time comes. keep reading!

saneone said...

hehe sis,missed the whole hoopla.Actually kinda glad i did. all this like soo fake. like u can find out how the guy is in one day. i still dont know much abt my hubby:)after soooooooo many yrs...

~Ms. A~ said...

@ san- i wud write a whole new post based on my research on married ppl.. but id just end up pissing a lota ppl off.. but yeah i think u know wati d have to say.thanks 4 reading.. :)

Nithin Rajan said...

"bridal analysis" is so cool, how do you come up with stuff like that:)

yojitA said...

missing in action!!
it took me 10 min to read this hilarious work! the font's too small yaar!!i had to put on my ultra big glasses and read!!

why do peepal believe in this stuff huh!!?? its all so funny and hopeless at the same time!
very filmy type!
u voice ur thoughts soo exactly and in a very clear way! i like! :)

~Ms. A~ said...

@ nitin : sounds cool,ya? :-D
thnks for reading
@ yogi- thank u for reading girl. and sorry bout the font. i shall work on it to suit ur reading needs. :-)

VikramAdith said...

First time I'm hearing it being called 'bride viewing'. But hahaha, awesome article!

~Ms. A~ said...

@vik - wha.. thats what its officially called. google it... you'll see! and keep reading! :-)

...nIShAntH... said...

I have been to one of this sessions.It was not the bride-watcher but i went mainly for the food.
During the whole drama,I could actually feel the cosmic energy emanating because of the epic awkwardness.Cant imagine how this would be for the girl.
"The kinds that sit in the last seat and stare at you until you get off the bus."

Soumya said...

awesome work!had a permanent smile on my face while goin thru de blog!!!
ur really really good!!!keep writing... :)

Soumya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Life said...

I so can relate to this post. Its annoying, frustrating to say the least.

Rofl @ "The sooner they leave, the sooner I can eat." Thats the only thing that keeps me going even after the zillions of bride viewing ceremonies I've been through!

~Ms. A~ said...

@ nish- the food is the only plus. glad u got to see a live version of the thamasha. :-)

@sowmya - aww hope ill do justice to the permanent smile with future posts as well. keep reading! :_)

@life - frustrating is an understatement. i mean wen it was firts one it was all fun n exciting. now its just a drag.i've got one tomo btw. and i'm hoping for ladoos.. and samosas. yum.

Neha said...

Nice post. I don't know how you went through the whole phase of wearing saree and flowers on your head and sitting amidst a very odd batch of people where the groom's side does nothing but check you out totally. You are very brave to put up with this show. Loved reading it and I'm taking some tips for future :)

~Ms. A~ said...

@neha - I didn't wear saree! I won that round with mom.. Wanted to wear jeans. Din't win that round :-/
thanks for reading! Im glad u found some tips n all :P Good luck for wen ur time comes. Keep reading! :)

Ana_treek said...

In my house, it is called "interview" bride-viewing doesn't it?..I think we should start a groom hating club, especially those who say, I have nothing to ask!..Bloody buggers!

Princess Poo said...

Hahaha! This is an awesome post :D.
Got me laughing so hard :P :P.
Well its easy to laugh when its not us na? ;) :D :P.

I like the way you write :D ;).

~Ms. A~ said...

@ana treek - haha ooh, lets! major bludy buggers :(

@poo- thank you for laughing, i do love making people laugh, even if its at my expense. Keep reading, and keep laughing! :)

Pigeonheadophobia said...

You actually went through that? I hope you did not have to go through it all over again(and again!)

I am just glad that I don't have to go through being a specimen for "viewing"

And I just realised that I commented on a two year old post.

Good one. Like your sarcasm.

~Ms. A~ said...

@pigeon - yes i did.. and this post was just bout the first one.. went thru atleast 10-15 more... was terrible and horrendous by the end. Hopefully I'm done with it now.. keepin my fingers crossed :)
keep readin!