Tuesday, December 22, 2009

How did the damn chicken do it???

This is it. Its now or never.
Sweat is dripping down my face. I clutch the end of my dupatta. Close my eyes and send a silent prayer upwards. I bite my lips. Worry lines form on my forehead. People are staring. I can tell. I can feel their eyes on me. They're laughing. I can hear it in my head. I look right. I look left. My leg inches forward. And then jerks backwards. I do this a coupla times. It feels like a stupid dance step now. I look at the man next to me give me a weird look and cross the goddamn road without a care in the world.
I mean how.. how do people do that? Cross that obstacle of death just like that like they're walking from their bedroom to the kitchen? I mean its an open trap. Its like running through fire. Like jumping put the window and hoping to land safely... I need help. I can't cross roads. :-(
I am gona have to sue my kindergarten teachers. They made it seem so simple. Just look right. Left. and Walk... uh like yeah right!! Its more like Look left..right.. then left right left right left right frantically till you feel you head spinning. Then venture onwards and then change your mind. Then step backwards then try again..and again and again and again. Maybe you'll make it on your 20th attempt.
And when this is whole road-crossing-step-dance is going on, I feel that the whole world is looking at me. Not just when I'm giving myself motivational you-can-do-this-have-faith-in-yourself talks. Just generally when I'm standing there looking stupid when the rest millions of people have already crossed. They're probably not looking cos they probably don't have That much time to waste.
 I think the joke should've gone "How did the chicken cross the road?" Because I sure as hell don't care why he did it.
The one thing that I totally respect the teachers for teaching us regarding road crossing is to hold someones hands.. I mean my dad still grabs my hand when we're crossing roads. I totally give him the "oh pfft please,dad.. Do I look 5 to you?" expression and snorts, but still subtly tighten my grip at the same time.
             But I totally detest guys or people who go "Hmm, why do all girls make such a huge deal bout crossing roads?" Ok that statement was totaaally uncalled for.. by many of you. Just cos I'm a road-crossing-dummy does not mean that you can generalize. You've already tagged the "bad driver" tag on women (which btw is sooo not true either. My driving is getting great each passing day. And I've only crashed once! No biggie!)
                 You know what I looove though. Bridges. I think they should put em everywhere.. Or have like a lil button which when pressed has like a tiny yellow bridge( I dunno why yellow) unfold from underground and assemble automatically whenever needed.. Ooorr.. Those walk, don't walk lil red and green men would be fine too.. Easier since its already been invented. I'm not too sure bout how I feel bout the zebra crossing thingies. I mean I like the fact that if someone hits you when you are at a zebra, you get lotta money n all.. Dunno if its worth it..Hmm..
I've had a coupla experiences while crossing roads. Especially in those roads that are actually not roads but a football ground parading around as a road. I mean those things where 500 roads meet. How, on earth does one cross that thing? I'd probably close my eyes and run screaming at the top of my voice, all the way to the other end. I admire how people talk on the phone while crossing the road. I mean talk bout multi-tasking. I can't even walk and drink water at the same time. Let alone defy death and enquire about..whatever I'm enquiring bout on the phone, at the same time.
Its amazing how dogs do it. In my life-time I've never seen even one dog get hit by a vehicle when crossing roads. I'm sure they do. But most of the time they make such narrow escapes. Its like they're trained. They should have like a Road-Crossing class as a secondary subject in Driving schools. Where you learn in not so busy roads and then graduate to medium busy and then finally to something like a highway or something, which is where I think I'm gonna die someday.
While I think of a way to put that idea across to my driving school officials, you take care of yourself when you're crossing the roads. Its actually no laughing matter. Pedestrian fatalities have increased by 20 percent, from 105 in 2005 to 126 in 2006. Well, thats in Ontario, Canada. I googled and this is all I could find in short notice. But you get the message. Be sure to look right.. and left.. and right left right left right left right left right... You'll get used to the dizziness after some time.


m@dz said...

LOL Ms A! Enjoyed reading it..Well I must say the next time I hear someone crack the chicken joke I'll tel em about you!!
ANd if you die while crossing the road, i promise to build a statue at the very point you got hit!!

~Ms. A~ said...

hehe :-)

actually build a yellow bridge on the spot and put my statue on it.. n also insribe my blod address at the bottom.. :-) dank u :-)

yojitha said...

that is awesomely right!! i go through similar stages every other day indeed! i scare the shit out of ppl around me too !!gawd.it gets embarrassing sometimes but fun actually!! life risking part of the day ..lol :P

~Ms. A~ said...

@ yo -hehe yeah..its like our very own Kathron Ka Khiladi every day.. we're such daredevils,man!

Vinz said...

hehe..lol..most gals i knw are scared of crossin roads on their own and needs somebody to lead them on their way to safety....but i didnt knw u were in that same category.... what is so complicated about crossin a road? its not that different from driving a car through a junction at moderate to high traffic...but ya conditions in india in relation to bridgeways and stuff can be improved a looooot! btw i couldnt stop smilin when i read your idea of a concealed YELLOW bridge.... ;) n ya your idea of a learners course on road crossin is a very very good idea...maybe ppl can also get a license for it and be licensed road crossers.. ;P do try to get that implemented..!

~Ms. A~ said...

@ vin- there we go again.. did u not read the part where I DETEST ppl who generalize bout girls n inability to cross?grrrrrrrr
glad this post made u smile though. :-)
thanks for reading..ill c wat i can do bout the road crosser's license.. :-)

miroslav said...

U spoke for a lot of people u know that? :D

~Ms. A~ said...

someone had to sooner or later :-D

livingv2 said...

lol!!!!!no matter wht u do...everyone is loooking at u!come on....its nt bad...

~Ms. A~ said...

@ v- uhh hello.. they r like lukin at "prefection personified" dummy.. what did ya think? :-P
thanks 4 reading..

Sorcerer said...

haha.... :) that was hilarious
nice one!!

Golden Vulture said...

ha ha :) hilarious one indeed buddy .. :) .. sometimes pure feelings of one person make others laugh on them :) .but its okay .. until you are also laughing :)

Keep smiling :)

~Ms. A~ said...

@sorcerer - thank u! :-) keep reading.

@golden vulture - new reader YAY! Thank u for laughing at me along with me :-) keep reading!

...nIShAntH... said...

I would recommend- start with a small pavement ,..then gradually move on to wider roads.Chickens usually does the same , as they train on small muddy village roads escaping postman-cycle tires and then they move on to wider ones--2 lane , 4 lane etc dodging three and four wheelers and they finally end up fried , spiced on a platter but thats a different story. :P

lol.Good one ms.A and if it makes you feel any better, i also go through the usual spectator-at-a-tennis-game moment before i cross the road.Best thing to do is wear your sun glasses and act blind.No sweat.eh. :D

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

~Ms. A~ said...

@nish- he's aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivee!
welcome back,man! crossing pavements huh? hmm thats sumthin to think bout.. n sunglasses thing, ya no i dunt think so. last thing i need is to attract more attention to self.

@anonymous- wat do i do wen it just can't get any better? :-)
anywayz, thanks for reading. n yeah i know the old ones make no sense.. guess i've just grasped the actual concept of blogging only recently..n hopefully, it will continue to get better"er". keep reading!

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deVa said...

This one took me years back! I was once about to be hit by a car, you know, when I was 5 or so. But I learned how to cross roads in due course of time. You too will. Now, I can literally close my eyes and cross roads. :) too much??
I am becomming a fan of you, A. This post was written at a time i didn't even know what a blog was! Hats off!

~Ms. A~ said...

@ anonymous - did u just call me sun shine? aww u pot of honey, you! I forgive u for spamming.

@devan - u learned to cross roads after u were 5?! whoa! i had near death experience a lotta times. the one i remember vividly happen wen i was 19.
Im flattered that u're a fan.is it too soon to start a fan club? u can b chairman if u want :P
and lol im sure a lot of ppl started blogging the day it was invented back in the 1900s.. or um whenever it was invented. Keep reading!

Indolent Insomniac said...

The previous comment just started a whole string of jokes in my head. I won't crack 'em here, don't worry.

And the post was.. well as hilarious as can be! Never thought about a mundane task as crossing a road to be life threatening. It's as easy as walking! It is walking!

P.S you tricked me into reading this one! Had nothing to do with any chicken! Good read though!! ;-)

~Ms. A~ said...

@II - wat? wat did u think? tell.. ok no dunt tell here..tell in ur blog :P
and no its not just walking. its walking with death zooming past by u.
n i didnt trick u. ur an idiot.. but thank u for reading :)