Saturday, February 27, 2010

Interviewobia!

                               Ever wonder what Hell is gonna be like? I personally think Hell is gonna be different for different people. For me its gonna be this room with a chair in it and and a big scary man waiting, armed with an endless list of questions for an interview that lasts for an eternity. As in job-interview.. not celebrity interview(well not yet atleast). And you know wat? Those interviewers could be in their version of Hell as well...Cos trust me... If you're ever given the opportunity to interview me... turn around and run for your life. Its gonna hurt you more than its gonna hurt me.. Hurt or rather make you wanna kill yourself.
When I begin an interview, its almost like my brains stop functioning and the only words in my vocabulary are "ummm" and "what?".I suck so bad that I might as well  go dye my hair blond and get a boob-job done. (I've nothing against that sections of people in the society personally. I've never even met one actually. I'm just quoting somebody.)
I've always been supremely bad at anything that involved questions and answers being spoken aloud. I tell people "I knew the answer to that but I just got so nervous and I forgot it." Thats not really true. Yes, I get nervous but most of the time I have nooo clue what the answer is either. I mean, I prepare so hard most of the time and work out specific answers. Like if I've memorized A,B,C and the interviewer goes "Sooooo, what comes after B?", I would toootally freak out and sing him the ummm song. I sometimes wish I could just say "I dunno".. but someone once told me never admit to not knowing anythin during an interview. Which is a pity cos that would've been my reply to pretty much aall the questions - Why do you want to work in advertising? I dunno. What sort of a renumeration do you expect?  I dunno. Do you prefer design or copy? I dunno. Cos seriously and honestly I don't know! They should have something like an open test where they ask the questions and then give you like a week or a month to come up with the answers. I could've googled aall the questions then and come up with wonderful answers. Sometimes life feels so meaningless and empty without Google.
I always flunked vivas in college. I got a zero for a Hindi spoken test once and I thought it was hilarious at that point. But its kinda pathetic now when you think of it. And one time this viva lady inturrupted me while I was giving her an answer to her question and said -"My dear child, you're not making mistakes.. you're making blunders!" And I just gave her a beeg toothy smile, cos I had noo idea what she meant, just like I had noo idea what her question was and no idea what on earth I was goin on about. I mean, wasn't blunders and mistakes the same? Huh?
The reason I was unemployed for sooo long was whenever I applied some place and they called back to set a date for an interview and I chickened out and ran for cover. I can't help it! Its a disease!! Or is it? Ok, Google break!
Ok so maybe there is'nt exactly an interview phobia but maybe its somthing like a cross between Phronemophia (Fear of Thinking) and Ophthalmophobia (Fear of being Stared at) and Lalophobia (Fear of Speaking). So my point being, its really not something I can help.
            I figured maybe if I were to do a phone interview, I would fare much better since I wouldn't have to see the big scary question man. So I went through a phone interview recently and sadly enough it wasnt any better... if not worse.
 I messed up right from the beginning.
He goes - Hello.
I go Hello.
He- I'm so n so calling from so n so company for that interview we scheduled this morning.
Me- Oh.. Helloooow (The hello normal people usually reserve for pretty lil girls or babies)
Ugh.
The guy was totally sweet. He probably actually figured I've been transplanted with a 6 year old's brain so he spoke to me appropriately. I applaud his patience. I mean I concluded by the end of the conversation that this was a man with a wife and young children cos there is noo way he could've put up with thaaat much bullshit for thaat long. He kept asking me stuff like he aaactually expected me to know the answer. I mean they were simple questions. And I would've been able to have given him essay answers to them had he given me say coupla hours or days to think about it. Poor guy wanted me to answer em soo bad. At one point it went like this.. This is the hypothetically version k. Say he had asked me somthing like "Ok what is green-eyed and goes meow?"
I went like ummmm...ummmmm..ummm for a good 5 minutes. And then finally went kaa...
He was like yeaaaah...yeaaahh?
Me - Kaaa...umm..
Him - Kaaaa...?What comes after kaaa... Come on now, you can do it.
Me - Ummm...
Him- Do you want to think about it for a while?
Me- Yes!
Him - Ok, tell me when you want me to prompt you.
Me - Okay......Hmmmm.........(silence)........ummmm....(silence)......well......(silence)......
Him - Do you want me to prompt you now? (Its almost like he's begging me to put him outta his misery)
Me - Umm.. okay.
Him - The first part is correct. Its also has a tail and rhymes with Mat!
Me - Ummmmmmmmmmmmm....... Kaa...at?
Him- YESSSS! (trust me, he wouldn't know such joy even as his son graduates from college)

But he's a daredevil this guy. He actually goes and asks me a 2nd question. I almost felt sorry for him.
So this is to all the interviewers I've encountered at some stage of my life... on behalf of the bright-eyed unspeakably dumb female who sat in front of you and made you Hate your job, I'm sorry. But it really is a disease!

15 comments:

Vinz said...

;))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hilarious post....i couldnt help myself and kept smiling the whole time i read this post...
I wouldnt knw abt interviews cos ive never had em...n i didnt have to attend an interview for my trainee position couple of months back cos i knew the GM! Though i am sure i wouldnt have done much better at the whole interview thing... i actually cringe at the thought of attending interviews... but i guess when the time comes as always ill always nod my head as if i get what the interviewer is sayin and somehow bluff my way thru.. ;P

Samiha said...

howdy from a person who treats interviewers as personal confession listeners. I admitted to one that I was lazy. I went on to tell all the embarrassing and absent-minded things I had done my whole life. And I, wait for it, GIGGLED.
Someone, just shoot me. dead. NOW.
Because after nine months and two days into my first job, I am forced to look for another one. And yes, that means, interviews.
And this time around, to make things worse, I know I don't know what I want to do. People say never to lie to doctors and lawyers. I want to kill the person who taught me not to lie to interviewers.

Saurabh Panshikar said...

I guess I'm kinda lucky with the interview stuff...

Actually I've given only one, and I got selected outright!

Maybe after reading your blog, you'll get an offer for a humor blogger!

Fazin said...

hahhahaha.....nice post....but u know what u juz did.....the interviewer has the blog link in ure resume.....he's gonna read it and laugh his ass out......or if not him the next interviewer will read this post and will send u a list of questions to be answer4d by mail instead of in-person or telephone.....anyways all the best....

CRD said...

hehe. awesome post....I hate interviews too :P They gimme the creeps...


Cheers
CRD

~Ms. A~ said...

@vin - thank u for smiling the whole time :-)n gud luck for wen u have to go thru one. Atleast now u know what NOT to do.

@sam- ur not supposed to write comments that make a better read than my whole entire post n make me look bad! n btw u shud sooo blog bout the same topic..n btw, ur not supposed to giggle at interviews??um...uh-oh..

@sau- wow.. one interview.. u must b like an interviewer's ideal canditate sorta person.n I would Love to b a humor blogger! except on d days dat im really depressed.

@faz - thank u for laughing. :-) n ok firstly the interview guy i mentioned wunt read it cos he's not gonna keep checking to see if i updated my blog. he is obviously not that jobless. n 2ndly, if future interview ppl see this n decide to gimmi written test then YAY! its a win win situation.

@crd- thank u :-) wunder who came up with the stupid concept of interviews. i mean all thru skool n stuff they give u written tests n exams n one fine day outta nowhere they expect u to do it without a pen n paper.yeessh!

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yojitA said...

i've never been through one and i guess wont even get a chance!
owhh and it was very hilarious!!! good one again!!

~Ms. A~ said...

@anonymous, anonymous and peter- thank u for increasing my comment count..
@yo - y will u never attend an interview?? r u an heiress??

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