Two friends of mine who met in an airplane got married the
other day. They sat next to each other on their flight home and over one and a
half hours of bad turbulence, crappy airplane food and cramped seats, they fell in
love…
They found love in an airplane. All I ever find is a dead
cockroach inside the inflight magazines. From the moment I sit down in aircraft,
I have all my fingers and toes crossed as I silently will the universe to
replicate in my life, any cute airplane scene from any cute romcom. Everytime I spot
someone who wouldn’t fit the role of my version of Harry Burns (When Harry met
Sally) or Luc Tessiyer (French Kiss) or Karan Kapoor (Hum Tum) or Jack Harper
(from the book Can You Keep a Secret) walking towards the seat next to mine, I send them telepathic messages.
"Do Not Sit here, Do Not Stop Walking, Do Not Stop, Do Not Slam Your Stupid Luggage Against my Feet. Do Not Sit Down. Do Not....oh screw
it!
Here is a list of people who almost always sit next to me in
an airplane:
Weird men with terrible breath, weird men who can’t keep
their hands to themselves, uncles who treat the flight like an open bar,
mommies with super cranky babies, kids who think its funny to spill their
stupid drink on my bag, people with ultra tiny bladders who makes me get up for
the nth time so that they can go to the bathroom, people who don't make me get up to go to the bathroom so that they can trample on my toes or make me stare at their bum as they squirm past me, terrified first-timers who
poke you everytime they need help to take off or put on their seatbelts, and
people who thinks I enjoy spending my travel time filling forms, not just
theirs but their whole damn family’s. Ahh, the joy!
And what’s the deal with airhostesses? I mean I have nothing
against them, but aren’t they a little overrated? I have only travelled with
two different airlines and all the airhostesses on those planes never fails to
remind me of every Hindi teacher I’ve had in school. I don’t know if it’s the saree
or the bun or the too-bright lipstick. And they never like me! Neither can they
ever hear me. Just like my Hindi
teachers!
Once when asked if I prefer vegetarian or non-vegetarian
food, my reply was a little too feeble. I have a pretty low voice. And while
flying, my ears almost always gets clogged and I speak extra low because I’m
not sure if I’m being too loud and I don’t wanna seem like an idiot. And the
airhostess lady got all mad at me. “Speak a little louder child, Open your
mouth and speak loudly. I can’t hear anything.”
Exaaaactly like my Hindi teachers. And everyone around me
looked up and stared. It made my chin quiver a little. :-(
Another time when I was a little kid, I saw a boy a couple
of seats away play with this cool toy. They used to give away tiny free toys
back then.(Not sure if they still do) So I went up to the airhostess and asked
her for my toy. She smiled and nodded and gave me a blanket.
A blanket.
Which FYI, I didn’t even get to keep.
The thing I like the most about flights is that I can catch
up on my reading without any interruptions, unless you’re sitting next to a
talker. In which case, you can just plug in your earphones and pretend to
sleep. I can’t sleep on a plane. I’ve tried but everytime I get even close to
falling asleep, the person behind me needs to get up so they yank my seat back
with all the strength they can muster to pull themselves up. Sometimes they
manage to pull out a coupla strands of my hair in the process.
People who’s never travelled by air seem to think its always
a big deal. I remember one of my little cousins ask me if I’d met God up there
on the way to India .
When the truth is, some of the flights that I’ve been on has been no better
than the public buses here in India .
Firstly the turbulence, the shaking and bumping is almost like travelling on a
pothole-filled road during monsoon.This one time, it shook so bad, someone's luggage fell on my head. And I did the whole "ha-ha now wasn't that funny, it fell on my head, ha-ha. I don't care really, I'm too cool to care" as i held back my urge to shove the stupid bag and its owner out through the emergency exit.
Secondly, don’t evvvvvver sit next to the bathroom if you
can help it, unless you have a blocked nose. Its like the minute the seat-belt
sign is off, people queue up outside the bathroom, until its time to sit down
again.
Some people just don’t seem to understand the seatbelt on
sign. Or the no talking on your cellphone rule. I’m too scared to even switch
on my phone long enough to put it on flight mode in case I cause the plane to
blow up or something.
And as soon as the plane hits the ground, its absolute
chaos! People start talking on their phones in the top of their voices. And people who are nowhere close to the door starts standing up and
pulling out their luggage in such a hurry, you’d half expect them to open a
secret door somewhere and jump out of the craft. But no, but they take their
stuff and hurry out to the front, when the door isn’t even open and give
everyone a “ha-ha-I’m-first” look of triumph. Dude… you’re lame.
